So aparently food that is healthy and full of protein and vitamins makes me sick. I have been attempting to eat protein bars to boost my metabolism and try to eat more unfortunatly when I eat them or something else healthy the past few days I get that gurgly feeling in my tummy and throat like I need to vomit.(sorry for my graphic honesty) . Being at work where I am I have been feeling sad and lonely...only 1.5 hours to go ....
I have been making lists all morning and really trying to provide myself with entertainment up untill getting sick I was fine. One of my clients decided to shove me and punch and kick me but what else is new? I am currently residing in the bathroom where I am hiding away from my grumpy bitchy coworker who can't stand me and would love it if I dissapeared. Well lucky for you Shar...I am going to dissapear and you won't ever need to see me again and trust me as happy as that makes you I am just as extastic and thrilled. Thank you and go fuck yourself.
Counting down the days untill I move to VA. I miss my parents. Especially when I feel as sick as I do I really want to purge....and my face is draining of color... I wanna drive home and curl up in a ball.
RANT ALERT
Last night I discovered something about myself. I am scared of confidant and powerful women. I think that they are going to hurt me or stab me in the back. Let's face it untill now I haven't had many good and positive women in my life. My biological mother while having a loving heart had a temper and a way of making the world revolve around her needs. She would get doses of spite and get my dad to turn on me. She would go from happy to angry in mere moments. Then I had a roomate that could turn just about anyone on me and while smiling at me would be metaphorically be coming up with ways to destroy anything that was making me happy. Confidant girls at school liked to push me around. Powerful coworkers ignore or treat me like I am small.
Now don't get me wrong after a while I had put myself in a catagory where I felt smaller and less than so some of the mistreatment I had was because I let myself fall into victim positions. But at the same time no one told me to do differently no one told me to lift up my chin and there was nothing to be scared of.
I found a woman I look at in so many ways as a role model for me she is kind, loving, positive, understanding, calm, and powerful and confidant...I read this about her long before actually getting to know her. I didn't know then that the reason I feared meeting her was because of my past with other powerful Women. I was scared that i was nervous looking at her because I put her on a pedestal . I didn't know then that the reason I feared her most was I was scared at being the dust beneath her feet. I didn't want her to want me to dissapear like so many others did. I had never stopped anyone why would I stop her from getting rid of me.
....but she didn't. Meeting her and getting to know her was such a gift she didn't treat me like something she wanted to get rid of she treated me like a beautiful little addition to her outstanding life. And now I am moving in with her and I am not scared of her anymore. I am scared of letting her down just like I am with my other family members but I am not scared that she has a underlying disdain for me and wants me to dissapear. And that feels amazing
I love you Tanya... Thank you for the love I never thought I deserved.
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