Paranoid Jinx

Today has blown monkey chunks.
Ok no but seriously 20 minutes left to this day and can't wait for that last minute be over. I know this is my second posting of today but this day has just been THAT insane.
a year and 2 days ago today they wheeled Chris away in an ambulance unsure if he would survive a extreme asthma attack.... Then last night I had this dream last night about my mom being in the hospital. Woke up and Yoni wasn't around like his usual and after his frequent commets about pain I got nervous and did what I normally do in situations like this

Panicked

I became paranoid. i had a bad feeling like something was off. Upon hearing his voice this morning on the phone my face lit up and I calmed. I was wrong and the bad feeling could now exit stage left. I stayed home from work for a while so i could see him and just hold onto that familiar smile that always cheers me up. Then he got sleepy and we got off skype. I broke down(hence the vent earlier). I cried my eyes out. And my insides hurt from the panicked feeling I couldn't shake.
On the way to work and while at work I had about 3 panic attacks. I was freaking out about nothing. So after work I called Yoni and heard his voice again. He told me that he was still in pain and I got that twinge in my gut again. When we got off the phone so he could sleep I wandered the stores and continued to distract myself then went home and continued to distract myself with dinner and jepordy hell I even tolerated a few minutes of wheel of fortune.
when I went upstairs again is when I saw a certain facebook status "I freakin hate Er's" It was Yoni and I flipped. My heart tumbled around and jumped into my throat. I knew it I just knew...
People say there is a sense for things like this, maybe I have it, or maybe I am just playing a paranoid jinx. Sometimes I feel like the people I love are just bound to be hurt because they love me. Almost like I might be cursed...never checked or anything but so many things in my life lead me to think that. Never tried a tarot card reading(lmao to be honest i am too terrified too) .
When I was 11 my grandma died from a blood clot and sudden heart failure. When I found out his EKG's were off my heart sped into overtime. Screw whatever panic attacks I was having all I could think was ...Please god just let him be ok.
I held it in the best I could and just  tried to handle it like an adult . It wasn't untill my mom started getting mad because of my constant texting to help people stay updated that I told her what was happening she proceeded to get more upset that these people were not looking for answers from someone else and then made a comment about how that was the "freaky little world" that was taking her daughter away. I stifled my mean and cocky response but being that I was now shaking and lost out I can honestly say it was the most I could muster.
She went from angery to crying within an hour and when I hugged her I cried too. Part because i know whats coming and another huge peice of me was dying inside wanting to know my dad was ok.
I am thrilled and releaved to say my dad IS in fact ok and will be fine he needs stress testing but i am just breathing knowing today he is my dad is good and healthy. News i needed

I hope I am not one of his big stresses, I hope I didn't help this happen to him. Maybe I am too much trouble for him, too many headaches for him to take on. I always vent to him and fall into his arms for everything . I fear I do more harm to him than good. He gives me a massive reason to wake up everyday and sleep to see another day. I just pray that his love for me and his fears for me didn't hurt him in any way. He is my super man and I always see him as strong. Maybe I need to be stronger and stop asking him to hold me up.
i would do anything to make sure he is ok. Even if it meant holding myself back so that he didn't need to worry about me.

Again while my feelings might be unreasonable they are my feelings and this is me venting them.

I love you daddy...

Angel