Tuesday, July 30, 2013

String Lights, and Stinging Submission 

Have you ever seen the circus? Ever seen the different colored lights around you and felt sensations of both love and fear for all of the "impossible" things that are presented before you?

I went to the circus, and even just as much a Magic show, ordinary turned to extraordinary at the hands of a magician . The Narration sinking into the core and pulling excitement to the surface.
I plan to write about my CM weekend(Note I say plan because I always INTEND to write a whole bunch of things but never get all that far) however I felt the need to write this blog/diary and write about something very significant to me and hopefully get some enlightening feedback from friends of mine.

I met an extraordinary individual this weekend. I will leave this persons name out of it because I am not sure of comfort levels and such but this person and I played together and spent some time together over the course of my Crimson Moon Holiday that left me absolutely Euphoric, Confused, and Reeling.
The play we had can't be described unfortunately , it was very much so a "you had to be there kinda thing" but what I said at the beginning by Magic Show, and Circus is the closest I can come.

My surroundings went blurry and all that mattered was what was happening. I could barely speak and I had very little control over myself in that moment( something I am very well known for having in my day to day life) . I called this person "Sir" very naturally. I WANTED to submit to him(For those that know me please pull your jaw off of the ground at this time , thank you) . I wanted everything that I never want....hell I NEEDED those things. I was so drawn in. All those elements in any other situation terrifies me, Sir, Submission, Control....I was so very vulnerable and he drew that out of me throughout the weekend in subtle ways, little tugs to my hair, a whisper in my ear, a suggestion, a gentle smile with fierce eyes behind it.
Am I a submissive? Am I that kind of person? I never in a million years took myself for someone that would fall into it. I was always a "nice" person. I was the girl in my vanilla life who would joke around and always have control over situations but anyone needed anything I would get up and get it, I would be the person to answer the call and go pick up someone, run and errand...in my scene life it is very similar. In control, very sassy and spunky, spitfire tendencies....Extremely independent. This ONE person made me question all of that.I mean still giving and gentle but that Control and Independence...would I fully give that up to someone?  He did everything in a way that was so gentle and so kind. It left my bar for what I want in my life so high that I fear dying the cat lady because I am freakin picky as hell now.

I leave out a lot of the other things we shared this weekend , again for both of our privacy's but seriously every moment I spent in his company was worth while and fantastic. He showed me things that I never dreamed I would like, and never thought really existed.
OK so this is the point where I am poke and prodded by all my closest friends " Angel do you "like" this guy" ....because YES I know that too is rare and never freakin happens(Again picky) the answer is absolutely. But let me add in a comment and just say that if we were never more than close friends I would also be happy just to know him. He was a true gentleman one that any lovely lady would be lucky to cross paths with.

Peace, Love, Serenity and Smiles

Monday, October 29, 2012

Crimson Moon Halloween Spanktacular 2012- Wednesday

Pigtails at the airport! 
I am reflecting quite a bit on the weekend thinking about the good the great and the amazing. I must admit that this was the most drama I have dealt with in one weekend. I stay the heck away from this stuff for the most part but I think with the full moon something was just a little off!

Our flights were decently hellish but I was happy to arrive!

Overall I must say I loved the majority of the weekend. Spending time with my friends , getting to know some I didn't know that well before, and then meeting some new and incredible friends.

The first night I spent quite a bit of time with Sarah Gregory, Dad, Melodynore, Tony Tristero, Naughty Freckles, Porclean Ass, Shy, and TNS.
It was a GREAT first night. Dinner was really yummy and tons of women all over the place in short skirts. I was THRILLED to find out that Tony had in fact stayed away from Cigarettes! Shy was looking adorable as usual, Porclean was fun to meet...we have a very similar sense of humor cept she is smarter about it she knows when to can it while I do not. Freckles gave me like a bajillion hugs and I loved getting those. TNS became my weekend Teddy bear almost instantly. Melody and I got moved into the room
On a side note both Melody and I are thrilled that Morgan is hopefully coming back for the next party, while our decorating went well it was weird not having him there to run the normal party suite. He was GREATLY missed. Mel and I did our best to try and give the room a similar vibe but its never the same without Morgan!

Sarah and I spent a decent amount of time together and we really got to know each other on a much more personal level. It was awesome getting to know her. She has such a sweet personality while the girl is really busy she also takes the time to give a hug and make sure you are doing well too .
- ok that was DAY one...more to come :) next up is my thursday!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

It's 3 am I must be........

Well....if that doesn't make me drowsy , nothing will.
Just took two LARGE swigs of Tylenol nightime cold to put myself to sleep...I know I know slap on th wrist I get it. I know it was decent amount larger than the desired dosage but my need to sleep is much more aparent.
The taste is god aweful and its hitting me so slowely I am pretty sure I wanna kill the people who call a "drowsy drug" ain't doing jack to me right now and I really want it to.
I am about a day and an hour from driving to Milwalkee ...and I am a wreck. My heart is in my throat and my emotions are all over the place. I think my body it responding to my stress quite a bit because I am not feeling good whatsoever.
This visit to see my family in wisconsin has gone really well. A few exceptions I suppose but overall I can say I had a great time. I feel thrilled about going home to my mom and dad and then sick at the same time because I have to leave the family here. I am having the hardest time leaving my brother , sister (in law to be) , and my neice and 3 nephews...and my parents here too I guess.

THEN on top of that I have my best friend Teara and my closest cousin Tamrah...leaving them is like leaving my heart in the middle of the road its only a matter of a short amount of time before pain starts to come foreward full force.
Once again I go emo on a word I Hate ...TIME, Seriously HATE thinking about it.
I keep thinking about the amount of time before I see everyone here again, I keep thinking about how sick all the alcohal is going to make her over time, I keep thinking about how much time in the kids lives I am missing. TG is now 9 and IJ is now 10....I am missing so much. :(
Trying to go to bed tonight and then I rememembered I needed to find stuff for my friend Zee Zee(her creepy lookin monkeys ...shudders). Anyways so I searched high and low and in between I found a bunch of old mementos I didn't think even existed in our house anymore. I found my Beauty and Beast snowglobe, my cinderella one, my precous moments one, tons of photos, frames, some candle holders and best of all my phantom statue(pic later) . Each thing I found gave me a memory and I was quickly sobbing like a baby. What is going on with me...why am I this lame and needy?

Well since the world was mostly asleep I cried into my pillow but then sad thoughts and questions kept tossing and turning in my brain. What ifs, Whats Next, When, and where am I going to be tomorrow. I know our family(VA fam) is thinking about moving in the future...but where is whats got me on my toes.  I think I am scared of that. I am really scared of not finding a secure place and staying there long enough for someone to follow me...hell even someone thinking about it to be around me would be nice. I also think about Cure all's ...like how could I make myself happy enough so I wouldn't want to cry at the mention of a wrong word dropped...

Sighs Chicago. Not sure why being near that city makes me feel as safe as it does maybe it's the city feel, the being close to parties and more scene people, being close enough to wisconsin to drive(that would really help me emotionally) and I would get to share my city life with my parents that I chose. And they LOVE chicago. Now I just gotta win the lottery to make this happen economically.
Sorry this has been all just kinda thrown out there...figuring it out in my head it like "ooo shiney, or OOO squirell" I am kinda all over the place and just trying to sort things out.
Tomarrow Morning is departure. Here comes the long day of goodbyes and see you laters...sniff sniff

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Odd Deviations from Normal Sensations

Where to start . WELL as most know I moved in with Yoni and Tasha Lee.... or as I call them Dad and My T. Overall things are great.
wait no there not

I thought this move would be hard on me but in all actuality it has been one of the easiest transitions I have ever had. I wonder sometimes if I am going to get a sucker punch one of these days and feel all the emptiness and lost feelings of someone that moves away from the place that they called home for so long....

 While on the subject I need to clear up some things. YONI is NOT my "Daddy" like a scene daddy, we don't have a closet sex relationship or make out or anything like that. With us he is like any other "Dad" , he helps me achieve goals, watches my eating habits, takes me away from the world when I need to disappear, he helps me with photography and shows me new things, and like many dads helps to keep me in check.
T and I have a different relationship, I see her as someone I love deeply on many levels, as a Mother Figure and as someone who i love on a different level(for the most part platonic but not always) and for this reason I call her My T instead of Mom or something like that because our relationship has that other level...

...let me clarify again...as far as I am concerned they are my adopted parents, NOT scene Mommy and Daddy. They take care of me in all Vanilla ways and support me like any other parent would. Now with all this being said Yoni and Tasha and I  DO make scene movies, Yoni  and T DO spank me(for discipline or relief or just because I am me), and we are in the scene ...like I will be joining my Dad at Crimson moon.
Ok now let me fix holes here. For those of you who are too damn nosy for your own good (much like me) the reason I can be certain ways with T and not with my dad is because everyone's needs are different and being able to separate the Parent and child relationship vs a Non Platonic relationship can be really hard for some and has proved this way on levels in Yoni and I's situation. I need a dad, he needs a daughter and we don't want whats on the other side of the fence with each other. Ok, so now you know. What i need to leave you with on this subject is the answer to the question I am getting all the time.

"Angel Are you happy?"
Yes I Really Truly Am...

WHEW...Still with me? Great, Now for some new stuff. 
Ok so Yesterday I saw my best friend Zee zee, or as many know her Tina Marie, or Ladybug... she and I have been close since when we both came into the scene. She stayed with me for over a month before I moved from Wisconsin and then went back to North Carolina...when I moved to VA she was now about 3 hours away from where I am so she stopped in and gave me a visit! One I wont forget in a LONG time.
You know that ONE friends that you can be insane around, be a dumb ass around, be silly, stupid, crazy, insane....and not bat an eyelash about it around?

Yeah So in my life that person is Tina

Now Zee is openly a very little person on the inside for a lot of her time. Her reasons are her own as are mine. But its wonderful when we are together and we both can just let go and be like little girls causing mischief, playing with toys, or having a bubble bath(as you will see from the pictures) , wearing little girl clothes, smack each other with stuffed animals...you know like normal kid stuff
Ducky coming in for the kill!
Only real diaper picture I was ok about
posting anywhere...
Toy Time
I have become much much MUCH more open with that part of myself since i moved in with my family. I find that my IK's (Inner Kids) can really just be themselves around my family. Being alone with Zee and her boyfriend  I tried things I never would on other occasions ....bubble baths, Pacifiers , hell I even tried a diaper last night(My consensus is that i feel odd in a diaper not really sure if its where I belong but I can understand others attachment to wearing them) .

 I find myself much more in the 5-10 age bracket...And while taking a bath I can look back at the pictures with complete understanding of where I was mentally when the photos were taken. I was just a little girl taking a bath splashing and playing with my sister. We had glow sticks and felt really cool in our glowing bathtub. 

WE giggled and smile for around 2 hours in that bathtub...Sometimes it was as simple as letting the water run and filling up water cups that we could playfully pour on each other. It was an experience that was real and something I separated big me out of .

 I didn't want to "have sex" or "screw" and looking back at the pictures that is not the way I feel about them whatsoever. I actually hesitation putting up pictures of little me on fetlife because I didn't want to read the "Daddy wants to fuck the baby's brains out" because to me...its different. It really is.
Later that night(hours later) we were all in adult space and I found myself having fun sexy and dirty things done to me... but the thing is , is that I was an ADULT when those things went on I had no littles  coming out no nothing. I was completely adult and letting go in a different wave of sensations.
I discovered thinking back about last night that I was more confidant as a 3 year old little girl playing and having fun than I was as an adult with someones hands in my pussy. I had fun doing both but my needs I find are less sexual and more platonic. I need someone to keep an eye on little me, watch out for me while I am in a parking lot, tell me to clean up my room, remind me to take a nap, sit in the corner and think about being naughty, eat a healthy snack, wash and brush my hair.... things that were removed from me as an actual child.
Everything was on MY TERMS and yet everything was OUT OF CONTROL when I was growing up and sometimes I feel like I am getting back all that time.
The hardest thing for me I think living with Yoni is not that i love my biological parents and missing them(though sometimes that is excruciating) ...the hardest part is knowing deep down whether it is said or not how much Yoni wishes he and T could have been around during my real biological childhood to raise me and take care of me in the ways I really needed. I know inside it eats at him worse than almost anything. Part of me wishes that could be changed too. But in truth what he missed out on and the things he wanted to see my biological parents missed most of it anyways. They were either too busy or didn't care enough to watch what was going on inside their little girl. He didn't miss anymore than anyone else did. Honestly I think Dad sees more of me as a child than my bio parents did.
Finally the last snippet of things I haven't talked about ...
 I created a new site for age play littles! http://littlesanctuary.proboards.com/ And as far as I can tell people really like it! *Grins*

 Gizmo (Eden Gomorrah) , my most recent IK she is 10 , and sassy like Bailey(13) but mega soft like copper(7) she tends to be quiet but a hell of a lot more temperamental than most of my other IK's.  Certain small things tend to set her off ...like the biological parents calling and telling her she can come home at anytime and is always welcome. She finds it's easier to get angry at herself when they call and say come home because of how selfish SHE is, how SHE is hurting them instead of crying. Deep down she loves her biological parents back but knows herself full well to be happier with another set of parents ....
And Lastly  I have been feeling really torn up this evening over being in trouble lately. I was asked by T tonight if discipline spankings helped me not to do things. I really had to think about it....Did they? Do they? I know I need them I really really need them(like more than most things) and i am scared of losing them because I haven't been reactive to them as much as I should have been lately .  So internally I am torn on what to do, how to feel about it, and what to say on the subject. "Discipline spankings don't help you Angel if anything you act out more"

My ex boyfriend J said that before removing DD (domestic discipline) out of our relationship and a month later he left me entirely...and so many people in the lifestyle did the same to me ...I am not as scared of being deserted like I used to be...but there still is a deep resounding personal fear of losing Discipline from my dad. It's something I waited so long for I am not sure how to react to it, but at the same time I am terrified of losing it.
OK So sad part over ..... sorry about that last part.......here is something to make you laugh..

OK Now time to go ...
Love you all!
Peace Love Serenity (and giggles!)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Light Reading ...

So I may just have to start reading again. I found a book series I may actually like once again and that I am more than excited to get my hands on....for 30 dollars for the 3 book set on amazon i may just have to buy it. 
Sooooo*takes long breath* here is my funny story... I was just watching TV in the room with my biological mom and she is reading on her kindle. I asked her what she was reading she said some best seller book called "50 shades of Grey" only a few chapters in she told me I would like it because it reminded her of twilight. Well after she got past chapter five I hear "ummmmmmmm......ummm...OH my....OH MY GOD" her eyes are wide and starring intently at the kindle . So of course I ask what the issue was and she said "this book just took the weirdest damn turn" and now all but blocked out my tv show clearly intruiged by what my mom thought was weird. I guess the male lover in the book has the main character sign a dominance and submission contract telling her that she had to obey him in all aspects, eating, clothing, shaving, sex.... and if she didn't follow punishments would ensue(or so I gathered from her reading and excerpt out loud)

....by this point I was now totally immersed and wanting to know more. I spent the next 5 to 10 minutes looking up the book because I WANTED to read it while my mom is in the background stammering "are there really people like this in the world....oh my god..." she knows I am a spanko and when I told her that a situation like that is a branch of what my own lifestyle she looked like I had just taken away five years of her life in a heart attack. My bio dad then entered the moment with "a branch of YOUR lifestyle...jesus angel it better be a twig that is some scary shit" after that I just smiled and left the room.
I told her later my face totally red that I had read fanfiction that had a similar vibe and that while it totally mortified me that she was now reading this book intently it made me know that if there is a god he has a damn good sense of humor and thinks i needed a freaking great laugh! 

.....I am one day away from seeing my dad. SOOO excited!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pocket Watch Screaming

Time is starting to really go fast right now. I am ready to go but at the same time there are these moments I get in my car realizing that might be the last time I see a person for a long time. And it knocks the wind out of me for a few moments each time. I have been waiting for this my enitre life. I think everyone is so burned out talking about whats going to happen and everyone(being my Virginia family and I)just wants it to be here. I know my mothers heart is really close to being broken but I can't let it take me apart. I need to be strong. I think a few weeks ago my biological parents broke a part of me that I have been fighting to hold onto. My Spirit, with this move there has been so much tearing and ripping at the relationships and I guess as much as I had prepped for the worst I wasn't ready for that. Part of me is glad it happened now instead of at a different point in my life because I know the people that are helping me to rebuild myself are parents and family to me too. They wont let me fall and not get back up again.

Last night i was asked if I was ready for this move. Yoni asked me and i just wanted to break into little peices. I knew that would be the hardest question to hear from the people here. But hearing it from him just made me go numb. I sobbed and begged him not to make me stay here. He and T want me there so badly but they hate to see me hurting like I am. I have been like a little wounded puppy for a while now. Since i decided to move. After last night I had to really think it through...why am I hurting so much?

I realized that usually I can accept that my biological parents are not on my side or not supportive of something I want. But this time , this was something I was dreaming that they would be there for me for. I needed their acceptance and love to a certain degree and when all I got was rejection it terrified me. It scared me enough that I was moving across country something I told myself I could never do. But their lack of support just made it sooo much harder. I cry because I will miss everyone I love but I think i could get over it if I felt someone behind me standing for me. Telling me everything was going to be ok. And this time there was no one here to hold me. Being in Virginia when things hurt I got used to having someone to hug me and take care of me. When I came back here I guess the lack of love and reassurance was a bit of a shock to my system. I have told myself not to expect it, and when I got back and didn't feel any of it because of my decision to move I guess I felt selfish for feeling like it should be there. So all that meshed together snapped me like a twig. I asked myself if when I got to Virigina if I would be ok....if this span of depression would pass with the move.

On this subject I am really optomistic, I think it will get much better with moving. I will have reassuance , I will have lot of care and love if and when I need it. Will i be automatically ok, no, I couldn't be but I think i will get better faster because I have some amazing people in my corner taking care to keep me sane and happy.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Paranoid Jinx

Today has blown monkey chunks.
Ok no but seriously 20 minutes left to this day and can't wait for that last minute be over. I know this is my second posting of today but this day has just been THAT insane.
a year and 2 days ago today they wheeled Chris away in an ambulance unsure if he would survive a extreme asthma attack.... Then last night I had this dream last night about my mom being in the hospital. Woke up and Yoni wasn't around like his usual and after his frequent commets about pain I got nervous and did what I normally do in situations like this


I became paranoid. i had a bad feeling like something was off. Upon hearing his voice this morning on the phone my face lit up and I calmed. I was wrong and the bad feeling could now exit stage left. I stayed home from work for a while so i could see him and just hold onto that familiar smile that always cheers me up. Then he got sleepy and we got off skype. I broke down(hence the vent earlier). I cried my eyes out. And my insides hurt from the panicked feeling I couldn't shake.
On the way to work and while at work I had about 3 panic attacks. I was freaking out about nothing. So after work I called Yoni and heard his voice again. He told me that he was still in pain and I got that twinge in my gut again. When we got off the phone so he could sleep I wandered the stores and continued to distract myself then went home and continued to distract myself with dinner and jepordy hell I even tolerated a few minutes of wheel of fortune.
when I went upstairs again is when I saw a certain facebook status "I freakin hate Er's" It was Yoni and I flipped. My heart tumbled around and jumped into my throat. I knew it I just knew...
People say there is a sense for things like this, maybe I have it, or maybe I am just playing a paranoid jinx. Sometimes I feel like the people I love are just bound to be hurt because they love me. Almost like I might be cursed...never checked or anything but so many things in my life lead me to think that. Never tried a tarot card reading(lmao to be honest i am too terrified too) .
When I was 11 my grandma died from a blood clot and sudden heart failure. When I found out his EKG's were off my heart sped into overtime. Screw whatever panic attacks I was having all I could think was ...Please god just let him be ok.
I held it in the best I could and just  tried to handle it like an adult . It wasn't untill my mom started getting mad because of my constant texting to help people stay updated that I told her what was happening she proceeded to get more upset that these people were not looking for answers from someone else and then made a comment about how that was the "freaky little world" that was taking her daughter away. I stifled my mean and cocky response but being that I was now shaking and lost out I can honestly say it was the most I could muster.
She went from angery to crying within an hour and when I hugged her I cried too. Part because i know whats coming and another huge peice of me was dying inside wanting to know my dad was ok.
I am thrilled and releaved to say my dad IS in fact ok and will be fine he needs stress testing but i am just breathing knowing today he is my dad is good and healthy. News i needed

I hope I am not one of his big stresses, I hope I didn't help this happen to him. Maybe I am too much trouble for him, too many headaches for him to take on. I always vent to him and fall into his arms for everything . I fear I do more harm to him than good. He gives me a massive reason to wake up everyday and sleep to see another day. I just pray that his love for me and his fears for me didn't hurt him in any way. He is my super man and I always see him as strong. Maybe I need to be stronger and stop asking him to hold me up.
i would do anything to make sure he is ok. Even if it meant holding myself back so that he didn't need to worry about me.

Again while my feelings might be unreasonable they are my feelings and this is me venting them.

I love you daddy...