It's 3 am I must be........

Well....if that doesn't make me drowsy , nothing will.
Just took two LARGE swigs of Tylenol nightime cold to put myself to sleep...I know I know slap on th wrist I get it. I know it was decent amount larger than the desired dosage but my need to sleep is much more aparent.
The taste is god aweful and its hitting me so slowely I am pretty sure I wanna kill the people who call a "drowsy drug" ain't doing jack to me right now and I really want it to.
I am about a day and an hour from driving to Milwalkee ...and I am a wreck. My heart is in my throat and my emotions are all over the place. I think my body it responding to my stress quite a bit because I am not feeling good whatsoever.
This visit to see my family in wisconsin has gone really well. A few exceptions I suppose but overall I can say I had a great time. I feel thrilled about going home to my mom and dad and then sick at the same time because I have to leave the family here. I am having the hardest time leaving my brother , sister (in law to be) , and my neice and 3 nephews...and my parents here too I guess.

THEN on top of that I have my best friend Teara and my closest cousin Tamrah...leaving them is like leaving my heart in the middle of the road its only a matter of a short amount of time before pain starts to come foreward full force.
Once again I go emo on a word I Hate ...TIME, Seriously HATE thinking about it.
I keep thinking about the amount of time before I see everyone here again, I keep thinking about how sick all the alcohal is going to make her over time, I keep thinking about how much time in the kids lives I am missing. TG is now 9 and IJ is now 10....I am missing so much. :(
Trying to go to bed tonight and then I rememembered I needed to find stuff for my friend Zee Zee(her creepy lookin monkeys ...shudders). Anyways so I searched high and low and in between I found a bunch of old mementos I didn't think even existed in our house anymore. I found my Beauty and Beast snowglobe, my cinderella one, my precous moments one, tons of photos, frames, some candle holders and best of all my phantom statue(pic later) . Each thing I found gave me a memory and I was quickly sobbing like a baby. What is going on with me...why am I this lame and needy?

Well since the world was mostly asleep I cried into my pillow but then sad thoughts and questions kept tossing and turning in my brain. What ifs, Whats Next, When, and where am I going to be tomorrow. I know our family(VA fam) is thinking about moving in the future...but where is whats got me on my toes.  I think I am scared of that. I am really scared of not finding a secure place and staying there long enough for someone to follow me...hell even someone thinking about it to be around me would be nice. I also think about Cure all's ...like how could I make myself happy enough so I wouldn't want to cry at the mention of a wrong word dropped...

Sighs Chicago. Not sure why being near that city makes me feel as safe as it does maybe it's the city feel, the being close to parties and more scene people, being close enough to wisconsin to drive(that would really help me emotionally) and I would get to share my city life with my parents that I chose. And they LOVE chicago. Now I just gotta win the lottery to make this happen economically.
Sorry this has been all just kinda thrown out there...figuring it out in my head it like "ooo shiney, or OOO squirell" I am kinda all over the place and just trying to sort things out.
Tomarrow Morning is departure. Here comes the long day of goodbyes and see you laters...sniff sniff