Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pocket Watch Screaming

Time is starting to really go fast right now. I am ready to go but at the same time there are these moments I get in my car realizing that might be the last time I see a person for a long time. And it knocks the wind out of me for a few moments each time. I have been waiting for this my enitre life. I think everyone is so burned out talking about whats going to happen and everyone(being my Virginia family and I)just wants it to be here. I know my mothers heart is really close to being broken but I can't let it take me apart. I need to be strong. I think a few weeks ago my biological parents broke a part of me that I have been fighting to hold onto. My Spirit, with this move there has been so much tearing and ripping at the relationships and I guess as much as I had prepped for the worst I wasn't ready for that. Part of me is glad it happened now instead of at a different point in my life because I know the people that are helping me to rebuild myself are parents and family to me too. They wont let me fall and not get back up again.

Last night i was asked if I was ready for this move. Yoni asked me and i just wanted to break into little peices. I knew that would be the hardest question to hear from the people here. But hearing it from him just made me go numb. I sobbed and begged him not to make me stay here. He and T want me there so badly but they hate to see me hurting like I am. I have been like a little wounded puppy for a while now. Since i decided to move. After last night I had to really think it through...why am I hurting so much?

I realized that usually I can accept that my biological parents are not on my side or not supportive of something I want. But this time , this was something I was dreaming that they would be there for me for. I needed their acceptance and love to a certain degree and when all I got was rejection it terrified me. It scared me enough that I was moving across country something I told myself I could never do. But their lack of support just made it sooo much harder. I cry because I will miss everyone I love but I think i could get over it if I felt someone behind me standing for me. Telling me everything was going to be ok. And this time there was no one here to hold me. Being in Virginia when things hurt I got used to having someone to hug me and take care of me. When I came back here I guess the lack of love and reassurance was a bit of a shock to my system. I have told myself not to expect it, and when I got back and didn't feel any of it because of my decision to move I guess I felt selfish for feeling like it should be there. So all that meshed together snapped me like a twig. I asked myself if when I got to Virigina if I would be ok....if this span of depression would pass with the move.

On this subject I am really optomistic, I think it will get much better with moving. I will have reassuance , I will have lot of care and love if and when I need it. Will i be automatically ok, no, I couldn't be but I think i will get better faster because I have some amazing people in my corner taking care to keep me sane and happy.

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