Dear Mom and Dad
It hurts, the feeling of being alone in my bedroom. Packing my things and stumbling on pictures of us when I was little. I can't fight the crying anymore, the tears just keep falling...




I love you. If nothing else i need you to know that. This wouldn't be hard if I didn't love you.
Its easy to say I am sorry to you, natural. Like asking for a glass of milk. It was always our difuser and made things easier. Then you didn't get worked up and I didn't get defensive. So I stopped it early on with that quick little word. Sometimes it didn't feel genuinue but on some level I always meant it. I needed to be what you wanted me to be and when i said I was sorry it was always "I am so sorry that I am not what you hoped I would be"

Today sitting in my room while you are out golfing and enjoying the sun I just keep going over this in my head. "have I told them I love them enough?" " have I hugged you enough" " have I told mom that I will miss our nights together obsessing over our shows" "galavanting around with dad" " Kissed you on the head enough ...while you were asleep and didn't know I was there"
I see these pictures and I realize how much of my world you both really were. I adored you and worshiped you. I just wanted you to WANT to spend time with me. I wanted you to WANT me to climb up onto your bed and crawl in between you. I wanted you to WANT to watch me do my little dances or hold my breath underwater. You never did though.

 I remember getting quiet just so I could sit on the couch and listen to you talk. I felt safer with you there, especially after you moved us away from NY, I missed grandma..the woman that half raised me. And I needed you even if you thought I was growing up and gaining my childhood independance. Thats when i was the most terrified, EVERYTHING WAS NEW...so i learned quick that If i needed something from you i had to get it in a way you would give it. If I needed to be quieter , and prettier, and more "angelic" I would make that happen so that you wouldn't send me into my room to dissapear, or tell me to go find a friend to play with. My friends parents were always amazed that you never had issues with me having friends over every other day. They told me they wished they could be like them. I let them think that I told them constantly "Yeah my parents are the best" In truth you didn't care because then you didn't need to feel bad about not having the "time" or because you didn't feel like playing with me.

It's true I took on this protective and caring role over the two of you. I always wanted to fix everything and make tihngs better. When everyone got upset or angry I would be the happy and obtomisic one because I didn't want you to hurt. I wanted things to be ok, I wanted to see you both smile. Thats all I every wanted. It's killing me inside to see you both in so much pain because I am leaving. You think it doesn't affect me, you think that I love you less, that i am trading you for another family...  God if you only knew the half of it...
I don't love one and despise the other or love one more, I just NEED them more. I love you both the same for different reasons. You don't know however that they adopted me as their kid or love me like that. You just see random people taking your "baby" away.

Baby, wow that is RICH. I had to grow up and figure life out so early , I didn't have the luxery of you reading books to me or you chasing me around the yard laughing and tacklign me to the ground like in the movies... instead you needed a friend an a confidant. I was so sure once I gave you THAT it would be enough, you could tell me your secrets, you could talk to me like you talked to other adults, you didn't need to worry abuot  looking at my homework or dealing with my moods because I would just go off alone to have them instead of upsetting you. I learned how to handle mom when she was drunk, I learned for dad to be in a good mood he needed his own little buzz. I accepted these things in hopes that It would have been enough...

You despise this whole spanko thing so much not because of the spanking, or sexual nature...but because it makes me different than what you had planned. When I found Yoni and T...it's true I didn't see this coming and it came fast but everything was soo natural. And just so you both know I will ALWAYS be your baby, ALWAYS but now I will ALWAYS be their baby too. I will always be their little girl.

I know that hurts and as usual it makes me sick thinking about it but really I am not sorry for loving them or seeing them like that. I can't HELP that. It's real and its me. It's not just some spanko thing , they might share that with me but if it wasn't there I would still call them mom and dad tomarrow and they would still love me the same way.
 They were parental. So when you make these comments like "you need to grow up I guess" I feel a tinge of guilt because I know what you are picturing and part of me feels like I am lying to you. I am not going there to instantly be a "grown up" I am going there to be myself. I am a little girl who needs to be little. I tell myself over and over that it's not either of you, YOU were the parents and I just wasn't the right kid. I was a little misfit. Well with them I fit. I cry realyl hard when I type that because I can't count the days where I hid myself and cried alone wishing that I could have been different. I was a little girl who didn't understand who she was. And you were the parents that wanted to "fix" their oddball so that I could fit your little house with the picket fence fantasy....
You don't think i wanted to be that? I wanted to be just like you so that you would be happy and proud of me. So you might notice me and adore ALL of me instead only part of me.
 The last few weeks since you found out I was moving you are in this rollercoaster mode....thats ok, your nervous and your scared and your hurting because I let you down by living my life. As usual my shoulder is yours to cry on. I will be strong and cry on my own. I don't want blame coming into this because it's not a matter of waht if, its a matter of what is.

 I want you both to be happy. Even when I am not there I still want you to smile, if you need to picture your little girl just down the hall waiting for a kiss goodnight do it. I know I will be closing my eyes and picturing dads mornign cup of coffee and at around 5:30 be watching the door for mom to come in from work to tell me about her day. This is NOT easy for me, even if you think it is. Dreams come with sacrifices, and I guess its fitting that this being the biggest dream come true comes with the biggest sacrifice. PLease forgive me and never forget how much I love you and care.
Angellia
-My biological parents will not ever read this because I know it would cause them more pain than good but I needed to vent it anyways