Sicky

Tonight was tough on me. Being sick in genral is really challenging because it forces me to control certain urges I have. The urge to get things done, the urge to make people happy. It drives me crazy to think I am not doing something someone wants me to.
I am a pathetic sick person. I swear sometimes I act closer to a five yaer old when I am sick than a 21 year old female. But tonight I put in more of an attempt than i usually do. I got off cam with my friends and went straight to sleep ....despite the lonesome ache I get from being alone when i am sick (my lonesome nerves shoot up well past their norm when i am sick...i hate being alone more than ever when i am sick) . I also rescheduled a photo shoot knowing full well that if I attempted it , my work wouldn't be my best and it would dissapoint my family. Well two hours in I woke up from said sleep and felt really lonely and itching for some companionship. I went downstairs and ate dinner which made me feel sicker than I had earlier then came upstairs and ...BEING ME tried to pick up some of my bedroom afraid that it wont get done before I leave in 10 days. Well that lasted only a few short minutes before I felt fatigued and knew I should get back in bed. I checked for medicine and there was none in the house. Being honest I didn't really mind that only because my medicine taking abilities are limited.

*Warning this next part is slightly gross*

When i was little my parents couldn't figure out my issue with medicine . Every single time they would try and give me medicine I would expel it again unwilling . There was one time my dad held me and my mom put the spoon in my mouth and I struggled so much in fear of vomiting that the spoon hit the back of my throat and I threw up anyways and got sick making my parents yell at me and get mad at me(No fun when you are 6 years old and sick). What ended up beign figured out years later was i had a slight issue with Red Dye #9 a key part of most of the medicines given to children. And then because of that I had throw up taking so many medicines as a child my mind adjusted (much like pavloves dogs) that all liquid meds were bad. So my parents tried chewables ...didn't work, pills...occassional success....and finally jell caps....well pills and jell caps worked for a little while untill I tasted the coating of one just once when it came back out....BLECK!
 And to this day if I try to take a jell cap I know full well there is only a 30 % success rate that i wont expel it . Growing up when I was in pain I would lie about it and hide being sick for as long as possible in hopes not to take any medicine because I knew it would just make my parents angry because I struggled so much with swallowing it. After years of attemps I can take some medicines...Jell caps are an absolute no, and red dye #9 or goopy liquids make me sick but I can try and take a few that are out there and will be able to keep them down. But it really rips me apart when i let someone down in my nerves about taking medicine...I understand people wanting me healthy but it's something i struggle with and probobly will for a while. 

*Ok Squick is over back to my typings*

In Our house we lack on crazy levels in our beverage supply...everything we had consisted of things that would make me sicker or things that would keep me awake....hmm catching the issue?
I went back in my bedroom and noticed the silence was driving me batty. I put on some music and perved for a while and looked at photograhpy. My sneezing got drastically worse and my fluish symptoms increased but I didn't want to go back to bed. I wanted company even if it was random strangers on fetlife or friends on my messenger list I didn't want to be alone. I felt pretty tangled up about being sick and trying to deal with lonliness only increased that
OH the EXCUSES....i know i know

I then got on cam and talked to my family from out of state one of them. Got really upset because I had been up for a while. Also got upset that i hadn't taken any medicine and that i was planning on going to work tomorrow. I felt terrible. He was right all of the reasons I was sick were my fault. I was too sensitive about being lonely , I am too worried about my upcoming position to deal with being sick, and I still haven't grasped the medicine thing(not to mention there was none in the house). When he got off I was still on with my other friend and found myself crying because I felt like I had comepletely let him down. I DID try, generally I don't cancel photo shoots, take naps, or take tylenol to bring down a fever but for him I would do anything. I thought I was listening .....
I hadn't and still haven't really gone over most of the stuff above becuase I didn't want a list of excuses for him, he already felt the work part was B.S so why would my medicine issues or babyish lonliness stuff make any difference. I just want to please this person and make him smile. Tonight i didn't do that but I guess tomarrow is a new day. Either way I am greatful for the people I have.