Cold Play

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I was telling Yoni tonight that I have never been in a house where I didn't feel scared to touch things or sit somewhere, move things around , be myself. I have realized that being here I haven't had that fear. Never once did I feel "misplaced" or like I didn't belong. I felt confused and scared to let go of my mental blockades, but overall i felt like it was where i wanted and needed to be. I kept telling myself I wasn't good enough for what I had in front of me.

Like so many of the "walking wounded" I felt lost , broken and totally confused about where I was supposed to end up. Being me I wanted to all but solve world hunger before I took care of myself in the slightest bit. Being here at Yoni and T's i noticed that even though I didn't care about what happened to me. They did. They noticed the small winces (stomach aches) , the distant eyes, me biting my lip feeling like I was smaller. These people i trusted and followed in my heart they saw what was going on without me saying a word to assist. And THEY wanted better for me.

I had stopped putting them on a royal pedestal early on knowing that Yoni, T, and Melody were just other people in the lifestyle. More well known and incredibly liked but just people none the less. I was never realizing i was still below them in my own head because I thought so little of myself internally. No one would want me or love me like i loved them. Dreams were made for sleeping, not for reality. 

It was weird even on morning when I had migraines, little sleep, or my morning stomach aches from hell I still woke up happy to be alive and in my own personal piece of heaven. I thought back across my memory's and couldn't come up with a time where I felt this safe, secure, and free. I could be me and no one wanted me to change that. 

I can't explain the feeling of waking up in a place where it feels good to be running errands or cleaning, living a normal day to day life but feeling like you are so at peace and loved that it doesn't matter. Even now I have tears on my cheeks writing this I feel so relieved, I mean I am nervous, scared, and biting to the ends of my fingernails I am terrified to wake up and for everything to disappear. But more and more everyday I feel like this is my real thing, this is here and not going anywhere. 

Yesterday i found myself being a snot, ...and i don't mean my normal brat. I just was frustrated about not getting my way and reacted like a five year old or younger. I was pissy and testy. My best friend Melody said something (sorry it's late I can't remember exact wording) and It stopped me and made me just get mad and scared at the same time. I was mad at myself and scared that I wouldn't be forgiven. So when we got back to the house I bottled up and shut down my vocals. I didn't want to say anything. I basically went all Thumper for an hour "If you don't have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" I figured if I kept myself quiet everything I did would disappear . 

Well it didn't, and no one forgot. But I was however forgiven. Being only a day later I am still trying to wrap my head around all these thoughts running around in it and collect them into something solid and easy for others and myself to understand. For now I guess i will end with, If I know nothing else. I DO know this is family surrounding me here. This is the happiest I have ever felt and I never want to lose this. Never .

Peace . Love . Serenity 

Angel