Wild Dreaming

There is a spiritual belief (not sure which I just know it's legit) that carries the idea that everyone has an "spiritual animal". My old poetry teacher believed in this and did an experiment with our advanced poetry class once where we were told to close our eyes and she talked us through the woods and through a mass of water ...and whatever animal was at our end point was our "spiritual animal" . I listened to the other people in my class talk about Lions (bravery), Deer (Meek and soft) , Fish (going with the tide) , Birds(again freedom). When they got to me I wasn't sure of why I felt shy abuot my answer and it wasn't untill now that I understand it "Wolf" . I never cared for the animal all that much. Honestly they remind me of Harley davison and hunting gear. I think i related to that animal though because they are the Untamed Dog basically. They want freedom but have loyalty to their pack and take care of their own.

They are wild and full of spirit but they could be tamed on the rare chance that the situaion fit but for the most part they just carried their love and loyalty to their own kind. I had just started embracing the idea of being a spanko a year or two before the animal experiment and I think i pushed away the idea because I Wolfs were such an in between animal to me. They could be kind and sweet protective, warm, and cuddly but also vicous and ....well just don't watch "Frozen" or you might get that vibe.

Something that carried true about both sides of the wolf persona was that they were always loyal to someone or something. They had no desire to be alone. 10 days and some odd hours from now I will be in the arms of some people that really care about me. But as usual it is terrifying me. I think I am scared of letting myself get too happy and excited the closer it gets. My inner pessimissim is saying "things are going to fall apart" "you just wait till the carpet get pulled out from under your feet" "things are TOO good to be true" . Generally when I feel this way I seek out attention and help and guidance.

* Dinner* Dinner* Dinner* Dinner*Dinner*

Tonight talking to my dad we spoke about a time when he made his father proud during a baseball game(apparently him hitting the baseball out into the feild was a rarety....good to know I am not the only one in this family who has no athletic coordination) . And it made us both cry (dad never cries...lol I cry prolly once or twice a week not including sickness's). It broke my heart to see my dad like that he missed his father(passed away just after I was born).I knew that feeling, lost sinking, missing someone, when people talk about fear they usually ask "what are you most afraid of"
I always answer being alone.....my idea of hell is a place with no one there but me and my thoughts  Complete solitude. Being here I don't have anyone who fits me and it eats me alive internally.I feel lonely and i feel scared of that. Things around me are falling apart my family has been fighting a lot(usually about me) and my best friends have been at each others throats. I see everyone falling apart and am scared that is what I have in store for me.  So instead of dealing I hide...I cover into my little cave and hide away and so after giving my dad a kiss and letting him know i love him , I left the dinner table I ran upstairs and sunk into my bed and sobbed. I couldn't figure out what had snapped but something did. Everything I had pent up this past week was coming out at the seams(mostly the seam where my eye meets it's lid)

I thought back to dinner and my dad crying and  I think another reason it made me break down was the understanding that he wanted approval. I was the little odd duckling, I was the puzzle peice that didn't fit quite right with the others. I was a fruit loop in a sea of cheerios (yes angel we get it, you are weird) I knew I was different than my friends and my family. Part of me hated it and part loved it. I loved being different and special and unique (still do) but I hated how i was always the one that got left out. The people I loved could sometimes turn off that need for approval but I never could. I needed someone to say they were on my side, they were proud of me and would always stand behind me. I let myself be 100% vulnerable and put all the love I had into every relationship. In hopes that one day one in my life, the same type of love would be returned.  Going off the whole Wolf thing I am nothing without someone to understand me. It's like that being an actress, I live on applause, being a photographer, someone to see my shots, being human being..someone to love me. Without my pack just a scared little pup who wanders aimlessly to keep out of the cold (and trust me...up here in bumfuck WI ...it's frappin freezing!) . 

The problems I face with carrying the personality I had was the higher my hopes got for good things to come the harder they would fall everytime they got shattered, the deeper my love would go the more it killed me to have it pulled from me time and time again. 

Like Mogli (see jungle book ...wolf boy) i was raised wild and had influences from every direction. It gave me insight, perspective, and understanding. I was able to be open to a lot and take in .and being a spanko that was a good thing. I had to be open to thing that made me nervous, and uncomfortable. I vowed that spanking and being a spanko wouldn't be like any other "project" in my life I wouldn't give up on it when things got hard(no pun intended....ok i will give you that it is KINDA funny). Spanking was part of who I was and if I gave up on it , it would just be another part of myself I let go of to please someone else. So i didn't and i haven't . But being wild and tame at the same time has it's draw backs. It's hard to find people that will stay by you and love you. I went through so many people, some who stayed, some who ran for the hills, some who beat my spirit in ways that I still can't comprehend. But I wouldn't let bittness come in. So many in my life have said to me "angel you live in the clouds" "you are in your own little world" and it is true. I always think the best is yet to come, things that are good can still happen. I often carry little to no grasp on reality and I am happy with that. 

OK lets bring it full circle here. Where the hell was I going with all of this....*yeah seriously angel, Butterflys, Wolves, Mogli, Fruit loops, Ducklings, Spankos..wtf.* 

Well in my crying i was angry at myself(Lol thats normal) I felt like I was being selfish for crying over something that wasn't there. I figured out what was scaring me and causing me all this depression the past few days. Being 10 days away from something that for me I see as extremely life changing and essentially my cloud nine i am so used to the floor being pulled out from under me and my dreams being shattered. Everything turning out to just be my swayed version of reality, Love being pulled back . I don't want to end up alone and the closer I get to being happy the more scared I get because it seems like every time I am close things disappear. 

I was terrified to call my close family member who in 10 days is one of the people who will be playing a key cast member with two others in my "dream" . Even scared I sucked it up and eventually called him sobbing. I told him what I was feeling and as usual he helped talk me back down into sanity and reassured me that this is not all going to disappear when I least expect it. 10 days from now it WILL be happening and real. I love the person who did this for me. As I mentioned earlier I tend to live in the clouds, this person is my friend who lets me roam in the clouds and enjoys watching me fly around them and sink into their confort, at the same time he is the person who is standing just in case there is a hole I trip and fall down through...he will be there to catch me at the bottom. 

Not sure what I am at heart....a ducky, a lion, a pup, a child, a bird or perhaps maybe a wolf...but I know that no matter where I am going I know who I want to be going with and whatever changes this life presents me with I am a lot less scared to endure them because I have the support and love i need.

Peace Love Serenity. 

Angel