Sentimental Season

I know i need to be up in the morning but this cannot wait...i need to vent my head is reeling and I am spinning . Not much of what is going on right now feels real or true.

I am so sure i have finally found what I thought i would be searching for , for my entire life and never find. My Tangled "puzzle family" i dunno i will come up with a better name for it later but to me it's a real life vanilla meets spanko life. I dunno maybe thats not how i want to explain it. I love my "family" mom , dad , greg, ivori, tiger, aimee, lhyric, kadin, kelly, ....all of them...I will never have a complaint in the world to any of them because they live in my life and I love them for who they are and what they become regardless of what that may be.

*pause : insert here a time for a SMALL midnight snack because I feel interally starving...shh dont tell anyone :P *

Ok back two peices of jello tided me over and DAMN i wish it was Rabbit season because the cage jumped out and basically ripped my upper leg up in bits....I think the rabbit is secretly evil and has plots to destroy me within his time frame...the look he gives me and other animals is..."you are on my turf....I will eat you alive". The rabbit is SOOO damn cute but i can so see this going all pet semetary steven king on my ass and the rabbit killing me in my sleep. Sorry I needed to get that out but my leg needed justice and time to vent for its sacrifices in this whole charade.

Whew....ok about to rant...you ready for this?

Ok so I started ranting above about my family needs and desires and how they are really being taken over but let me try to explain this with a bit of a back story and without tangets....ok not possible but i shall try.

When i was little i was always the "little angel" i took care of EVERYONE in our cousins...older and younger. I felt the need to be the care giver . But i was a very happy go lucky really well behaved little girl. It was only me and my brother in my immediate family so having a tight relationship with my cousins especially cassie and aimee really helped. Then we moved to wiscosin. my whole world flipped and I connected with my neighbor kids but for the most part I was really a loner. I guess that tends to happen when your only sibling throws you out of second story windows or spends half your childhood trying to find a way to dissapear from our family. The other reason my immediate family did no good was my brother would leave, parents would fight and I would cry, then things would flip on me and I would try to help them through their fights and it made me nosy and acting like a brat in my parents eyes, so instead of helping or fighting things i would just cry...and cry a lot.

 The kids next door jenny mark and aaron...were brothers and sisters to me...I went over and did the dishes with them to feel like I was part of that family....but at the end of the day it was THEIR family....not mine. Skip a few years, tearas family let me in and I would stay the night every night of the week, I loved the brothers and sisters and being part of it...but iwhile they always included me...it wasn't mine. Skip ahead, I date adam and become a daughter to his family, and a sister to his brother, and part of another fmaily...i have family nights, I have a support system....adam and I break up, adam dissapears for a while family dies, skip ahead, i date Jordan become tight with all his friends a daughter and part of "family" nights once again...he breaks it off...and marries a girl who could have been my clone(still bitter? Just a little) , Skip ahead a few years Nicole and I ...sisters at heart finally her family accepts me as something that wont go away and love me like a daughter things go bad , ICU, 60 pills, she survives, but doesn't want me anymore, Skip ahead a month I am part of a church that I am part of the "body" of , they love me and really really really want me to stay part of the family...they find out i am a spanko that family is destroyed on the spot, skip forward i become part of the spanking chat site and get to know everyone and they become my other family...but its never really mine its a family with a revolving door...no one ever stays, Now this is the point in the story i start to get my noggin on straighter , at this point i meet Tina, Amber, and Jing....they become sisters to me(and still are) and show me lots of lovin! but they are really far away and a part of their own "familes" so I meet jake....sighs....and we all know how that goes ...the therapy and mental help i will need from being part of that life is 360 kinda change, then...Joe....now this i must say threw me for a loop, i was VERY sure THIS was the family I needed and had it stayed platonic it might have been...he wanted me to be like a daughter in his family at first and just take care of me....then feelings and hormones came into play....and my daddy daughter family fantasy was obliverated..i mean he still is a dad to me but just a little different on the relation front,

This brings me to now...now the examples above were just a few of the countless things and familes that have taken me in and for one reason or another dissapeared from my life...so I am assuming(correct me if I am wrong) you can see where I might hold a small bag of tight hurt and bitterness.

I found a family that is right for me that is perfectly fitting for me....and...they want me?....NO FUCKING way....but tonight its what has been revealed to me. They want me to move in and live and be part of the family :) . All things asside that I would have to get out of the way to accomplish it i am in complete awstruck holy shit phase. I cant believe it.....I really cant.  I mean I need this...and I want it. I mean REALLY want it. I love them. I love Kaitlynn and her sentiments and her older sister looking out for you but SOOO ready to throw me under the bus in a funny way personality, I love Chris's big brother I am holding you to a higher standard and I love you to death but will never admit it personality, I love Vincents's i am a total and complete control freak and hardass but when push comes to shove i do it only because i care personality, i love Chelles stand offish loving sister personilty that always has my back and will protect me unconditionally, and I love little Peanuts smile and the look in her eyes when she feels confort with you and how she rests your head on my shoulder to tell me this is where I belong. Its crazy but for every single trust issue i have they really seem to obliverate it when I am with them, they make me feel safe , secure, and protected. I feel no pressure to feel anything but what I am feeling and say nothing but what i am thinking. I can truly be me with no strings attached and love this family unconditionally...and they will love me back. Its like living in fucking disney world and getting to experiance each color and be able to share it with the world but at the end of the day its your home to sleep in, its your magical gettaway. As cheesy as that last part was its SOOOO true for me. THIS ...is the family that i have been searching for. I just dont have a question about it. .....Holy shit....They really love me. Really.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0hNDaY78lA (This is how I feel....this song)

I can sleep tonight knowing when I wake up I have NOTHING to fear...and for me...that is incredible.

Thank you god so much

I love you all

Peace Love serenity and swats

Bailey