"So tired of Running"

I don't want to run anymore

I don't need to run anymore

I don't have a choice to run anymore

I know my home....

I need my home....

I need my family....

LOL ...this is Vincent....

I feel incredible, like a cloud nine or higher kinda thing. This family i am part of is amazing...I just smile ear to ear when hearing from any of them. Its like a tight nit group of inside jokes, and knowing each others thoughts, and taking care of each other. Its just incredible to me. I love it.  While knowng i work at three I feel really calm today, I know i made a huge mistake yesterday when I hurt myself...but when I talked to my family they all just talked me through it. They still loved me and cared about me. They were still there for me. My mom REALLY hurt me when she told me she didn't want to meet them and that I was abdoning her, I dont think she understands or ever will that I am not dissapearing...it would kill me even more than her to abandon her or my family, I just need this family right now too, SOOO badly, my ass might get paddled , i might be grounded for all of eternity but it doesn't matter when I am with them. I am just in my own little personal thought up , dream / heaven....I really love it there. Wow...saying love a lot....better slow down there cheif jeeze!

I think i should write some things that make ME personally happy.....so lets try this out shall we :P

My 50 Loves

• I love to listen to music while walking and watching my surroundings, it makes a movie out of my life
• I love when I take a picture of something that people deem ugly and seeing their opinion change because they can now see what I saw to begin with
• I love running sand between my hands and doing cartwheels in sand(lol even though I am an epic failure at that stuff)
• I love stickers and beads....collecting them, looking through them, and using them to decorate and embelish things
• I love good smelling candles and body washes, they calm me down even when I am extremely upset
• I love to decorate and then redecorate everything over and over and over.
• I love when small children fall asleep , hug me, laugh because of me...Its the most comforting thing alive
• I love reading letters and writing letters to other people
• I love Christmas, everything about it makes me happy, the ordaments, the songs, the movies
• I LOVE standing under a street light in the snow.
• I love sucking on a stick of hard candy and having it pop out of the other end of my mouth like a child
• I love dead flowers, hanging them up and letting people see that even though its dead doesn't mean it didn't mean something to me
• I love small nick nac shelves, yes they are totally cheezy but they remind me of my grandma and how she used to let me play with hers
• I love when i have an excellent hair day and can feel it, it makes me confidant and happy
• I love to color pictures and draw things, i am not great at either but i still enjoy it SOO much
• I love shopping sprees, espically craft ones
• I love doll houses, I want to own a real wooden one and decorate it, and find furnature for it, and play with it when no one else is watching....its my dream gift, the one that i have wanted my whole life and never gotten.
• I love listening to Richard marx and bryan adams....they remind me of my faovrite memories with my parents and just a time where I was carefree in my life
• I love finding quotes and small pictures and collaging them together in my notebooks and whatever else
• I love really soft stuffed animals and carrying them around with me
• I love looking at craft books and decorating books...its like a personal crack to me
• I love calling people when I hear a song that reminds me of them and singing it to them really loud over the phone
• I love dancing around my room and not caring if they are good moves or not just having fun( feeling like the girl from flash dance)
• I love being scared of horror movies or having a good laugh at them
• I love when my Neice Ivori falls asleep in my big bed and in the middle of the night grabs onto my arm like a stuffed animal(ok that one made me tear up writing it...total sap!)
• I love naming my random stuffed animals
• I love looking exceptionally cute when going to work with adorable earings and ribbon in my hair
• I love playing improv games, I would do ANYTHING to have a group of people to improv with again
• I love monopoly....I dont know why i think i deep down hate the game but i love the play money and having fun with my little metal figurine
• I love watching jepordy and answering the questions before others in the room
• I love eating a nakashimas or hibachi food places....they are mega expensive but my favorite food of all time
• I love being taken care of when i am half asleep or sick, like being tucked in , and my hair brushed from my face....It makes me feel really not alone and very safe
• I love being told no....and then fighting it
• I love to bite nail polish off my fingers
• I love good coffee and drinking it in the morning outside
• I love being the person that people wake up to spend time with them
• I love standing on a weight scale and seeing how many pounds i have lost
• I love my hair whens its all messy in the morning
• I love scrapbooks and making them and looking through them( again CRACK!)
• I love chore charts, and reminder boards, and little post it note messages...it makes me feel like i am part of something
• I love doing situationals with people and walking through the "if i did this" what would you do...kinda things
• I love and i mean LOVE singing at church when I know a song and can just belt it...it makes me feel like god is with me and helping me hold up strong
• I love writing poetry like i did back in high school and having people really eager to read it or look at it
• I love big cites and just standing in them and watching life run around me.
• I love car rides even long ones when I am stuck in a car with a lot of people i can have fun with
• I love dressing in a way that expresses me and only me...not caring what it means to others
• I love having very little stuff in my room but making it feel like home for me its like my whole homeless/orphan thinger....
• I love hanging up pictures that one of my neices(AWE now i have two neices!!!! ) or nephews has made and telling them how cool and awsome I think it is. 
• I love charm bracelets, espeically ones with odd charms like keys, and old toys that my kids used to play with, or broken earings ect....

• I love my family. 

Sentimental Season

I know i need to be up in the morning but this cannot wait...i need to vent my head is reeling and I am spinning . Not much of what is going on right now feels real or true.

I am so sure i have finally found what I thought i would be searching for , for my entire life and never find. My Tangled "puzzle family" i dunno i will come up with a better name for it later but to me it's a real life vanilla meets spanko life. I dunno maybe thats not how i want to explain it. I love my "family" mom , dad , greg, ivori, tiger, aimee, lhyric, kadin, kelly, ....all of them...I will never have a complaint in the world to any of them because they live in my life and I love them for who they are and what they become regardless of what that may be.

*pause : insert here a time for a SMALL midnight snack because I feel interally starving...shh dont tell anyone :P *

Ok back two peices of jello tided me over and DAMN i wish it was Rabbit season because the cage jumped out and basically ripped my upper leg up in bits....I think the rabbit is secretly evil and has plots to destroy me within his time frame...the look he gives me and other animals is..."you are on my turf....I will eat you alive". The rabbit is SOOO damn cute but i can so see this going all pet semetary steven king on my ass and the rabbit killing me in my sleep. Sorry I needed to get that out but my leg needed justice and time to vent for its sacrifices in this whole charade.

Whew....ok about to rant...you ready for this?

Ok so I started ranting above about my family needs and desires and how they are really being taken over but let me try to explain this with a bit of a back story and without tangets....ok not possible but i shall try.

When i was little i was always the "little angel" i took care of EVERYONE in our cousins...older and younger. I felt the need to be the care giver . But i was a very happy go lucky really well behaved little girl. It was only me and my brother in my immediate family so having a tight relationship with my cousins especially cassie and aimee really helped. Then we moved to wiscosin. my whole world flipped and I connected with my neighbor kids but for the most part I was really a loner. I guess that tends to happen when your only sibling throws you out of second story windows or spends half your childhood trying to find a way to dissapear from our family. The other reason my immediate family did no good was my brother would leave, parents would fight and I would cry, then things would flip on me and I would try to help them through their fights and it made me nosy and acting like a brat in my parents eyes, so instead of helping or fighting things i would just cry...and cry a lot.

 The kids next door jenny mark and aaron...were brothers and sisters to me...I went over and did the dishes with them to feel like I was part of that family....but at the end of the day it was THEIR family....not mine. Skip a few years, tearas family let me in and I would stay the night every night of the week, I loved the brothers and sisters and being part of it...but iwhile they always included me...it wasn't mine. Skip ahead, I date adam and become a daughter to his family, and a sister to his brother, and part of another fmaily...i have family nights, I have a support system....adam and I break up, adam dissapears for a while family dies, skip ahead, i date Jordan become tight with all his friends a daughter and part of "family" nights once again...he breaks it off...and marries a girl who could have been my clone(still bitter? Just a little) , Skip ahead a few years Nicole and I ...sisters at heart finally her family accepts me as something that wont go away and love me like a daughter things go bad , ICU, 60 pills, she survives, but doesn't want me anymore, Skip ahead a month I am part of a church that I am part of the "body" of , they love me and really really really want me to stay part of the family...they find out i am a spanko that family is destroyed on the spot, skip forward i become part of the spanking chat site and get to know everyone and they become my other family...but its never really mine its a family with a revolving door...no one ever stays, Now this is the point in the story i start to get my noggin on straighter , at this point i meet Tina, Amber, and Jing....they become sisters to me(and still are) and show me lots of lovin! but they are really far away and a part of their own "familes" so I meet jake....sighs....and we all know how that goes ...the therapy and mental help i will need from being part of that life is 360 kinda change, then...Joe....now this i must say threw me for a loop, i was VERY sure THIS was the family I needed and had it stayed platonic it might have been...he wanted me to be like a daughter in his family at first and just take care of me....then feelings and hormones came into play....and my daddy daughter family fantasy was obliverated..i mean he still is a dad to me but just a little different on the relation front,

This brings me to now...now the examples above were just a few of the countless things and familes that have taken me in and for one reason or another dissapeared from my life...so I am assuming(correct me if I am wrong) you can see where I might hold a small bag of tight hurt and bitterness.

I found a family that is right for me that is perfectly fitting for me....and...they want me?....NO FUCKING way....but tonight its what has been revealed to me. They want me to move in and live and be part of the family :) . All things asside that I would have to get out of the way to accomplish it i am in complete awstruck holy shit phase. I cant believe it.....I really cant.  I mean I need this...and I want it. I mean REALLY want it. I love them. I love Kaitlynn and her sentiments and her older sister looking out for you but SOOO ready to throw me under the bus in a funny way personality, I love Chris's big brother I am holding you to a higher standard and I love you to death but will never admit it personality, I love Vincents's i am a total and complete control freak and hardass but when push comes to shove i do it only because i care personality, i love Chelles stand offish loving sister personilty that always has my back and will protect me unconditionally, and I love little Peanuts smile and the look in her eyes when she feels confort with you and how she rests your head on my shoulder to tell me this is where I belong. Its crazy but for every single trust issue i have they really seem to obliverate it when I am with them, they make me feel safe , secure, and protected. I feel no pressure to feel anything but what I am feeling and say nothing but what i am thinking. I can truly be me with no strings attached and love this family unconditionally...and they will love me back. Its like living in fucking disney world and getting to experiance each color and be able to share it with the world but at the end of the day its your home to sleep in, its your magical gettaway. As cheesy as that last part was its SOOOO true for me. THIS ...is the family that i have been searching for. I just dont have a question about it. .....Holy shit....They really love me. Really.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0hNDaY78lA (This is how I feel....this song)

I can sleep tonight knowing when I wake up I have NOTHING to fear...and for me...that is incredible.

Thank you god so much

I love you all

Peace Love serenity and swats

Bailey

"I'll stand by you"

So today is a fairly amazing day, I am with my second family and really enjoying spending time with them and getting close to them. I feel like I am going to make them claustrofobic really fast though, i have this habbit of getting clingy when I feel like people could leave....which usually makes them leave faster.....I guess i need to just go with the wind on this one and hope for the best

Joe doesn't know i am here and I am not sure how I feel about that I kinda wanna call him and just tick him off with the news, I know my parents were deffinately not thrilled but thats because I didn't tell them I left or leave a note. With joe it would just get under his skin in general and latley I have been wanting to push his buttons to see his emotions so he can decide once and for all to leave or stay so I can stop feeling shattered then picked up again.

I got a session for driving from Chris earier and I nearly bawled my eyes out. It was really hard for me to take i mean the pain was bad enough but I started really crying when he talked about being my brother....it really shattered me that I was being unfair to Hollie, Chris, Shea, Michelle, Julia, and Megan....I cant remember the last time I felt so set with a family like this. I feel at home...I am not scared or intimidated to just be part of the family. I dont want that to come off as disrespectful though

Speaking of Disrespect I gotta talk to chris about my respect levels for him cause I dont think he understands how much i really do and my way of showing it. My ways are as always ass backwards which helps the situation 0 percent. .....kinda a bummer....I will just have to try harder to show him...

I had another shooting stomach pain today.....sigh....not cool, glad its not my apendix today though...it relaxes me about the place of the pain. Now i just gotta fight this minor sore throat.....good luck angel :)

Peace Love Serenity and Swats

Bailey

P.S GLEE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFi4mPi1104&feature=related

Spanko Diary 1

Long day, I spent most of it trying to catch my breath

I have gotten one of my bad habbits back in all this stress...picking at my ears. I think the guys have enough to deal with however so i haven't talked to them about this one. i forget to mention it half the time, I just pray i stop making them bleed and that i dont get another infection that takes me out of work for a week....that was terrible and ZERO fun. 

I had a little bit of food and should be cleaning my room right now but writing down my feelings and venting my day just seems like an easier way to go about my night.....shush guys sheeze I will get to it!

Speaking of Shaun and Vincent . Ugg I am getting a session from both of them for my amazing diving technique! Lol well I mean I cant really blame them....Speeding, Texting, 


Acrobatics(dont bother asking), missing 2 red lights....sighs I think i am missing one. Grumbles but alas those two NEVER forget

At least I didn't start getting topped by them a week earlier....blogging while driving....that would have gone incredibly bad. (and that is putting it really lightly)

I really want to write a vicious note to Joe about love and what it felt like for him to just dissapear but i am not doing it. I am going to try and be good about all this and start really putting in an effort towards making myself better. 

So anyways Chris i guess is really upset I didnt eat breakfast....i will always hear hell for that stuff I think. after i got off the phone with my other family....( I call them other instead of second because they do not take a backseat to my family). And Zee zee called me. My Zee always makes me feel better when I am sad. I had just rewritten the lyrics to Hallelujah ...and we sang to each other and I cried a bit and she helped me cope. 

Each breath I took you took away i should have known that you wouldn't stay

but i had given my whole heart to you

I only felt what you told me to feel, you told me love , I thought it was real

and daddy your baby she'll go down your fool

baby bluebird

baby bluebird

baby bluebird

baby bluebird

Its raining today oddly enough you took my fire you called my bluff

the least of the problems i had with you

its something your eyes said I could do i am a fool gazing of blue

and i fall to pieces everytime i see a bluebird

baby bluebird

baby bluebird

baby bluebird

baby bluebird

its hurts so much to cry at night i am used to you being that light

dismalting each fear that moves around me

im lost without your voice your word, you hallowed out your little bird

now she loves you but she'll sing her song alone

that babybluebird

baby bluebird

your baby bluebird

daddys bluebird

Daddy I miss you, I really do. I miss just having you there with me when i was driving, waking up falling asleep, anything and everything I just overall miss you. But I think i thought of something that hurts the most....when I was sick i would get like 4 or 5 calls that day asking how i was feeling and what I needed to feel better and you would coax me into medicine and make me take a nap and just take care of me. Eventually i will meet a guy to take care of me like that....like you did. 

Everyday that it hurts more, is just another day i need to learn to lean on my own feet and try to balance

alright well if 3 am i must be lonely 4 am must mean i need to get some Fucking sleep

goodnight all :)

Ducky

Falling

"still alive but i am barely breathin"

...uggg I hate that song but that line is damn catchy

I have waited all night to vent out my thoughts, my hopes, my frusterations , the things i am coping with....but i am just so exausted....so i will make this letter as short as possible for its contents.

I LOVED YOU....what the hell were you thinking that I could just replace you or get rid of you. I am miserable without you.But I know deep down this needed to happen.

uggg...sersiouly dozing off at the computer.

TOnight no one tucks me in. that was your spot....to say i love you and goodnight so i could feel security and understanding....but with you gone I stack pillow after pillow......i loved you....

Finish in morning....i need to catch zees in the shadows

Test Run