Sicky

Tonight was tough on me. Being sick in genral is really challenging because it forces me to control certain urges I have. The urge to get things done, the urge to make people happy. It drives me crazy to think I am not doing something someone wants me to.
I am a pathetic sick person. I swear sometimes I act closer to a five yaer old when I am sick than a 21 year old female. But tonight I put in more of an attempt than i usually do. I got off cam with my friends and went straight to sleep ....despite the lonesome ache I get from being alone when i am sick (my lonesome nerves shoot up well past their norm when i am sick...i hate being alone more than ever when i am sick) . I also rescheduled a photo shoot knowing full well that if I attempted it , my work wouldn't be my best and it would dissapoint my family. Well two hours in I woke up from said sleep and felt really lonely and itching for some companionship. I went downstairs and ate dinner which made me feel sicker than I had earlier then came upstairs and ...BEING ME tried to pick up some of my bedroom afraid that it wont get done before I leave in 10 days. Well that lasted only a few short minutes before I felt fatigued and knew I should get back in bed. I checked for medicine and there was none in the house. Being honest I didn't really mind that only because my medicine taking abilities are limited.

*Warning this next part is slightly gross*

When i was little my parents couldn't figure out my issue with medicine . Every single time they would try and give me medicine I would expel it again unwilling . There was one time my dad held me and my mom put the spoon in my mouth and I struggled so much in fear of vomiting that the spoon hit the back of my throat and I threw up anyways and got sick making my parents yell at me and get mad at me(No fun when you are 6 years old and sick). What ended up beign figured out years later was i had a slight issue with Red Dye #9 a key part of most of the medicines given to children. And then because of that I had throw up taking so many medicines as a child my mind adjusted (much like pavloves dogs) that all liquid meds were bad. So my parents tried chewables ...didn't work, pills...occassional success....and finally jell caps....well pills and jell caps worked for a little while untill I tasted the coating of one just once when it came back out....BLECK!
 And to this day if I try to take a jell cap I know full well there is only a 30 % success rate that i wont expel it . Growing up when I was in pain I would lie about it and hide being sick for as long as possible in hopes not to take any medicine because I knew it would just make my parents angry because I struggled so much with swallowing it. After years of attemps I can take some medicines...Jell caps are an absolute no, and red dye #9 or goopy liquids make me sick but I can try and take a few that are out there and will be able to keep them down. But it really rips me apart when i let someone down in my nerves about taking medicine...I understand people wanting me healthy but it's something i struggle with and probobly will for a while. 

*Ok Squick is over back to my typings*

In Our house we lack on crazy levels in our beverage supply...everything we had consisted of things that would make me sicker or things that would keep me awake....hmm catching the issue?
I went back in my bedroom and noticed the silence was driving me batty. I put on some music and perved for a while and looked at photograhpy. My sneezing got drastically worse and my fluish symptoms increased but I didn't want to go back to bed. I wanted company even if it was random strangers on fetlife or friends on my messenger list I didn't want to be alone. I felt pretty tangled up about being sick and trying to deal with lonliness only increased that
OH the EXCUSES....i know i know

I then got on cam and talked to my family from out of state one of them. Got really upset because I had been up for a while. Also got upset that i hadn't taken any medicine and that i was planning on going to work tomorrow. I felt terrible. He was right all of the reasons I was sick were my fault. I was too sensitive about being lonely , I am too worried about my upcoming position to deal with being sick, and I still haven't grasped the medicine thing(not to mention there was none in the house). When he got off I was still on with my other friend and found myself crying because I felt like I had comepletely let him down. I DID try, generally I don't cancel photo shoots, take naps, or take tylenol to bring down a fever but for him I would do anything. I thought I was listening .....
I hadn't and still haven't really gone over most of the stuff above becuase I didn't want a list of excuses for him, he already felt the work part was B.S so why would my medicine issues or babyish lonliness stuff make any difference. I just want to please this person and make him smile. Tonight i didn't do that but I guess tomarrow is a new day. Either way I am greatful for the people I have.

Wild Dreaming

There is a spiritual belief (not sure which I just know it's legit) that carries the idea that everyone has an "spiritual animal". My old poetry teacher believed in this and did an experiment with our advanced poetry class once where we were told to close our eyes and she talked us through the woods and through a mass of water ...and whatever animal was at our end point was our "spiritual animal" . I listened to the other people in my class talk about Lions (bravery), Deer (Meek and soft) , Fish (going with the tide) , Birds(again freedom). When they got to me I wasn't sure of why I felt shy abuot my answer and it wasn't untill now that I understand it "Wolf" . I never cared for the animal all that much. Honestly they remind me of Harley davison and hunting gear. I think i related to that animal though because they are the Untamed Dog basically. They want freedom but have loyalty to their pack and take care of their own.

They are wild and full of spirit but they could be tamed on the rare chance that the situaion fit but for the most part they just carried their love and loyalty to their own kind. I had just started embracing the idea of being a spanko a year or two before the animal experiment and I think i pushed away the idea because I Wolfs were such an in between animal to me. They could be kind and sweet protective, warm, and cuddly but also vicous and ....well just don't watch "Frozen" or you might get that vibe.

Something that carried true about both sides of the wolf persona was that they were always loyal to someone or something. They had no desire to be alone. 10 days and some odd hours from now I will be in the arms of some people that really care about me. But as usual it is terrifying me. I think I am scared of letting myself get too happy and excited the closer it gets. My inner pessimissim is saying "things are going to fall apart" "you just wait till the carpet get pulled out from under your feet" "things are TOO good to be true" . Generally when I feel this way I seek out attention and help and guidance.

* Dinner* Dinner* Dinner* Dinner*Dinner*

Tonight talking to my dad we spoke about a time when he made his father proud during a baseball game(apparently him hitting the baseball out into the feild was a rarety....good to know I am not the only one in this family who has no athletic coordination) . And it made us both cry (dad never cries...lol I cry prolly once or twice a week not including sickness's). It broke my heart to see my dad like that he missed his father(passed away just after I was born).I knew that feeling, lost sinking, missing someone, when people talk about fear they usually ask "what are you most afraid of"
I always answer being alone.....my idea of hell is a place with no one there but me and my thoughts  Complete solitude. Being here I don't have anyone who fits me and it eats me alive internally.I feel lonely and i feel scared of that. Things around me are falling apart my family has been fighting a lot(usually about me) and my best friends have been at each others throats. I see everyone falling apart and am scared that is what I have in store for me.  So instead of dealing I hide...I cover into my little cave and hide away and so after giving my dad a kiss and letting him know i love him , I left the dinner table I ran upstairs and sunk into my bed and sobbed. I couldn't figure out what had snapped but something did. Everything I had pent up this past week was coming out at the seams(mostly the seam where my eye meets it's lid)

I thought back to dinner and my dad crying and  I think another reason it made me break down was the understanding that he wanted approval. I was the little odd duckling, I was the puzzle peice that didn't fit quite right with the others. I was a fruit loop in a sea of cheerios (yes angel we get it, you are weird) I knew I was different than my friends and my family. Part of me hated it and part loved it. I loved being different and special and unique (still do) but I hated how i was always the one that got left out. The people I loved could sometimes turn off that need for approval but I never could. I needed someone to say they were on my side, they were proud of me and would always stand behind me. I let myself be 100% vulnerable and put all the love I had into every relationship. In hopes that one day one in my life, the same type of love would be returned.  Going off the whole Wolf thing I am nothing without someone to understand me. It's like that being an actress, I live on applause, being a photographer, someone to see my shots, being human being..someone to love me. Without my pack just a scared little pup who wanders aimlessly to keep out of the cold (and trust me...up here in bumfuck WI ...it's frappin freezing!) . 

The problems I face with carrying the personality I had was the higher my hopes got for good things to come the harder they would fall everytime they got shattered, the deeper my love would go the more it killed me to have it pulled from me time and time again. 

Like Mogli (see jungle book ...wolf boy) i was raised wild and had influences from every direction. It gave me insight, perspective, and understanding. I was able to be open to a lot and take in .and being a spanko that was a good thing. I had to be open to thing that made me nervous, and uncomfortable. I vowed that spanking and being a spanko wouldn't be like any other "project" in my life I wouldn't give up on it when things got hard(no pun intended....ok i will give you that it is KINDA funny). Spanking was part of who I was and if I gave up on it , it would just be another part of myself I let go of to please someone else. So i didn't and i haven't . But being wild and tame at the same time has it's draw backs. It's hard to find people that will stay by you and love you. I went through so many people, some who stayed, some who ran for the hills, some who beat my spirit in ways that I still can't comprehend. But I wouldn't let bittness come in. So many in my life have said to me "angel you live in the clouds" "you are in your own little world" and it is true. I always think the best is yet to come, things that are good can still happen. I often carry little to no grasp on reality and I am happy with that. 

OK lets bring it full circle here. Where the hell was I going with all of this....*yeah seriously angel, Butterflys, Wolves, Mogli, Fruit loops, Ducklings, Spankos..wtf.* 

Well in my crying i was angry at myself(Lol thats normal) I felt like I was being selfish for crying over something that wasn't there. I figured out what was scaring me and causing me all this depression the past few days. Being 10 days away from something that for me I see as extremely life changing and essentially my cloud nine i am so used to the floor being pulled out from under me and my dreams being shattered. Everything turning out to just be my swayed version of reality, Love being pulled back . I don't want to end up alone and the closer I get to being happy the more scared I get because it seems like every time I am close things disappear. 

I was terrified to call my close family member who in 10 days is one of the people who will be playing a key cast member with two others in my "dream" . Even scared I sucked it up and eventually called him sobbing. I told him what I was feeling and as usual he helped talk me back down into sanity and reassured me that this is not all going to disappear when I least expect it. 10 days from now it WILL be happening and real. I love the person who did this for me. As I mentioned earlier I tend to live in the clouds, this person is my friend who lets me roam in the clouds and enjoys watching me fly around them and sink into their confort, at the same time he is the person who is standing just in case there is a hole I trip and fall down through...he will be there to catch me at the bottom. 

Not sure what I am at heart....a ducky, a lion, a pup, a child, a bird or perhaps maybe a wolf...but I know that no matter where I am going I know who I want to be going with and whatever changes this life presents me with I am a lot less scared to endure them because I have the support and love i need.

Peace Love Serenity. 

Angel 

As cheesy as I am I don't usually find songs and say "Omg this song totally reminds me of us" ...ok well not a LOT , this song however became a huge exception. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-cLOBwYnlc&feature=related

"You might be crazy Have I told you lately that I love you? You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly . And it's crazy that someone could change me, Now no matter what it is I have to do, I'm not afraid to try And you need to know that you're the reason why"

I was thinking about everything over the past few days. Things have been a huge blur of craziness. Client threats, Calls from H, and dealing with the T and D relationship debacle. My headache tonight is a big extreme , it's NOT helping that my eyes are sore from the onions from earlier. Aparently my eyes really do hate the smell of onions as I thought. 

I have been thinking about old friends a lot lately , S seems to be the nightmare king though , the phone call I received angry and yelling months ago has turned into this really wretched nightmare. I know I shouldn't be afraid of this person but i am with so much of myself I am. For whatever reason it's been creating this internal fear that shakes through me a lot lately. I owe him and I know he wont physically ever hurt me but for whatever reason I am petrified of dealing with either him. I just can't wait to pay him what i owe him so I don't feel like I am smaller anymore. Somehow he made me feel that way about myself and I haven't really dealt with it . 

LOL wow "copper mode" my heart is pounding pretty heavy right now so I think i should post something funny in hope to make myself smile and just deal with it. 

...hmm a post from like cool, lets make fun of it!

The Infinitely Adjustable Reading Valet

Ok so if they are going to show us someone as lazy as this they must do it correctly. The guy needs a twelve pack, a t-shirt (button up...like really COME ON!) ...and some of those soft moccosons that wifes get mad at their husbands for wearing for many years on end. And he is reading a book? Clearly they didn't think this one through in the advertisment. If the guy is going hands free a key selling point is while putting a playboy magazine right in front of his face he now has two hands to massage and ....too far? Let me bring it back , Lose the aresol heightened hair, the freakishly clean look to both man and room. Get him out of the house and with some women. This man is selling the shut in nerd kit. Most guys this far gone make multiple facebook and Myspace profiles so they can pretend they have more than two friends...one being mom and the other being grandma

-We interrupt this dramatic posting for a sappy moment from our sponsors " 

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEE....dad just came upstairs and gave me some gummie bears....

1 week and 6 days! I am sooo excited I could scream! But I wont...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

...ok

...so I lied?

...still there?

Good, lets move on,

Alright ridding myself of any soda tonight, My headache wont be assisted by any moutain dew I am afraid. Possibly a shower ...i really need something but i am trying to figure out what. Maybe some" art "time, maybe some "angel" time. Maybe some "little" time. "Craft" time, "Photo time"....no clue, but I have a weekend I suppose to figure it out. 

As rough as my day has been...........................

..... it could always be worse.

Today was ok, kinda rough but as usual I am just taking each day at a time.

H called today, she was in nice mode. The H i loved. The hard part was She was sobbing :(

It was hard she told me that as of recently she is having bad seizures and as a result head ingurys and other body injurys. She asked me to come and stay with her on my days off from work..... I feel bad for telling her i couldn't :(

Then to add insult to ingury i spent half the night playing couples couselor with Dez and Tears

...funny post soon

"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. " 
- Illusions

Yoni is right, I really need to read that damn book. I googled some quotes from it and ^ THAT one came up. It reminds me of the first time meeting several people in my life. 

So here is the scoop, I keep debating changing my blog because so much has changed since I have had this specific one. But I always loved my name for this blog and the people that have gone in and out haven't cared about it like I have so it doesn't automatically give me a "sean" memory or "joe" memory. Some of my old posts do but hopefully I will be posting enough to completely put those into my history. 

I drank two full moutain dews in under an hour about 1 hour ago. They have definatly (FUCK I still can't spell that word.....) ha ha, it's funny I can see the "little me" having to write that word 100 times on paper till i have it memorized. Am i weird? ...Yep....Am I ok with that? ....Hell yea. I have let the age play part of myself out with a few really close friends and for once I don't feel like I need to hide it from the world. All those "little" characters I created as branches of myself can all just be released through me...Bailey, Ducky, Copper, Alexis...just to name a few. Each can come out be herself. I did an age/personality evaluation for these characters. Lmao, bear with me...you ever seen sybil...well i am starting to feel like her cousin

Bailey- This one has become my number one IK (inner kid) only because she has been developing the longest. She carries parts of all the other characters below. I started her out as a street kid, she knows that there is a dark side but fights against it internally. She doesn't want to live her life bitter and angry. But her constant search for someone that perfectly clicks with her is the biggest challenge to date.

Bay  is just like me in a lot of ways. She tells things like they are. She tends to put herself down and needs a lot of building up and encouragement. She is creative and blind to things that are good inside of herself. She also puts up a lot of walls and blocks people out untill they take apart her stubbornness and call her out for the person she is. She doesn't connect with a lot of people on personal levels but she likes a lot of people. This being said when she does connect she is more loyal, loving, and turns her stubbornness into determination to show the intensity of how she feels. When in a croud she is the kid with the mask with the people she loves she is expressive , spunky(in a punky brewster kinda way) and has a fun ATt-TI- TUDE! 

I always see bailey as around 13 she is sensitive but masks it with her temper. Bay allows me to get rid of my temper and manipulation on a strong level. She is the most likely to fight and the least likely to cry. 

Ducky/Troll- Ducky is probobly the youngest IK I have. She is around 5 years old and the character was abandoned a LOT leaving her scared of most everything. She has attachment issues, either she is quiet and off on her own or she is totally attached. Ducky doesn't talk much , when i actually type out for this character she had a slight stutter and hard time reading.  She seems as if she is younger sometimes because she is a baby about things, Being scared of the dark and other scary things that go creep in the night. Sometimes she can be alone and fine other times she needs someone to give her a stuffed animal and cuddle her up. Overall she wants to show that she is happy go lucky but is shy about doing this. 

Copper/Charity- Cop has a lot of similarities with Ducky in the fact that she is sensitive, and scared of a lot of things. While being around 8 she has proven to be a strong little thing. Losing her best friend from when she was just a "pup" still being the most devastating thing for her. And something that she blames herself for and doesn't understand. She constantly plays the optimistic card and tells herself that her friend will come back. She is a bubbly little girl side. She likes to snuggle and watch a movie and to sit on the floor and play(dollhouses, make bead necklaces, put stickers in her sticker book) while the person watching over her is reading or doing other things. Copper is naive and really innocent. She likes to be imaginative and for the most part listens better than the rest of my IK's she will fight some small things but her fear of disappointing others really makes that difficult. Copper is easily frustrated with herself she says she is sorry more than any other word. She shuts down a lot and is my most vunerable IK. 

Alexis/Ally/Alex- Alex is my oldest IK she is usually around 15. She takes the whole world on her shoulders. She feels the need to fix and take care of everyone's problems but her own. Alexis lives in a world of organized chaos.  While so many step into her life and start to drown she manages to keep herself afloat. She needs to prove herself constantly. Never having heard the words "I am proud of you " much as a child she decided she hadn't done enough to earn it so made it her life goal. 

She is a perfectionist and because she isn't a child anymore and feels ignored she acts out trying to get attention sometimes. She is lippy and really lives life in the moment . Alex never plays things safe. She needs to jump of cliffs and is always hoping her wings are still working. She tends to hide herself if she gets emotional as she hates to show her breakdowns. Alex has seen the darker side and while she doesn't try to let it get to her when she does, it beats her up pretty bad. she has been left by so many people she trusted. But she is the IK that wont face a problem because she gives herself the excuse that she has "too much she needs to take care of first". Suffering more loss than the others she stacks pillows next to her when she sleep so that she doesn't wake in shock. 

While in RL life I don't come out and say I am having a Copper moment or a Bailey moment those same mind sets are there. Being that they all come straight from me they are always beneath the skin. Different feelings, actions, emotions and changes pull these girls out of me and show colors just straight through me vs through a character that I created. 

Anyways. more tomarrow, Bailey wants to fight sleep , but Copper and Ducky are already passing out and Alex knows that she needs to be responsible (LMAO freaking you out yet....DID is not that far off damn it....Sybil here I come!) 

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. ― Illusions

-Peace love serenity