Slight freak out.

I am ok, I hate that I don't trust myself alone. I freak out especially alone at this house. I can't be here in the quiet I wander the house and see pictures everywhere of our "perfect little family" that they tell me I am tearing apart. It makes me want to tear myself apart. I hide in my room as long as I can.

It's 11:11 I wish I could shut my mind down. Sometimes I take excedrin not just for the migraines but so that it shuts down my thoughts and makes me mellow out. then I think of you and I just get weak. Am I just like you? We told each otehr all the time that we were twins born of different parents. I miss you soo much right now and its killing me. You used to be "my person" that i went to when I felt alone. Just knowing you were there would calm me down. Now I need you because I am scared of doing what you did and you are not there.

That's fine Nicole. Thanks. I stood by you! And now that I need YOU . I need you to tell me that there is a way to get through but you never reassure me , you never answer my messages. I MISS YOU! Christ what did I do to ever deserve this. Two years...god and I still hurt when I am reminded of you.

You told me you could never forget me, but you did. No matter who comes in and out of my life you still haven't dissapated from my thoughts. God I miss you and wish you would come back.

I cried today because someone I know went into therapy and I all I can think of is you. I don't wanna be alone in this house I wish you were here helping me pack and making jokes to make me feel better about leaving my parents and neice and nephews. You knew how to do that...

anyways miss you

Purge of the Mind

I am stressed, SOOOO STRESSED

1 week and 5 days

Holy Sh*t this is really happening isn't it?

I am more than thrilled that I am going to be leaving on the first for my home in virginia . I just wish time would go faster.

My room is so quiet

I'm so nervous

and yet

excited

calm

Dear Mom and Dad
It hurts, the feeling of being alone in my bedroom. Packing my things and stumbling on pictures of us when I was little. I can't fight the crying anymore, the tears just keep falling...




I love you. If nothing else i need you to know that. This wouldn't be hard if I didn't love you.
Its easy to say I am sorry to you, natural. Like asking for a glass of milk. It was always our difuser and made things easier. Then you didn't get worked up and I didn't get defensive. So I stopped it early on with that quick little word. Sometimes it didn't feel genuinue but on some level I always meant it. I needed to be what you wanted me to be and when i said I was sorry it was always "I am so sorry that I am not what you hoped I would be"

Today sitting in my room while you are out golfing and enjoying the sun I just keep going over this in my head. "have I told them I love them enough?" " have I hugged you enough" " have I told mom that I will miss our nights together obsessing over our shows" "galavanting around with dad" " Kissed you on the head enough ...while you were asleep and didn't know I was there"
I see these pictures and I realize how much of my world you both really were. I adored you and worshiped you. I just wanted you to WANT to spend time with me. I wanted you to WANT me to climb up onto your bed and crawl in between you. I wanted you to WANT to watch me do my little dances or hold my breath underwater. You never did though.

 I remember getting quiet just so I could sit on the couch and listen to you talk. I felt safer with you there, especially after you moved us away from NY, I missed grandma..the woman that half raised me. And I needed you even if you thought I was growing up and gaining my childhood independance. Thats when i was the most terrified, EVERYTHING WAS NEW...so i learned quick that If i needed something from you i had to get it in a way you would give it. If I needed to be quieter , and prettier, and more "angelic" I would make that happen so that you wouldn't send me into my room to dissapear, or tell me to go find a friend to play with. My friends parents were always amazed that you never had issues with me having friends over every other day. They told me they wished they could be like them. I let them think that I told them constantly "Yeah my parents are the best" In truth you didn't care because then you didn't need to feel bad about not having the "time" or because you didn't feel like playing with me.

It's true I took on this protective and caring role over the two of you. I always wanted to fix everything and make tihngs better. When everyone got upset or angry I would be the happy and obtomisic one because I didn't want you to hurt. I wanted things to be ok, I wanted to see you both smile. Thats all I every wanted. It's killing me inside to see you both in so much pain because I am leaving. You think it doesn't affect me, you think that I love you less, that i am trading you for another family...  God if you only knew the half of it...
I don't love one and despise the other or love one more, I just NEED them more. I love you both the same for different reasons. You don't know however that they adopted me as their kid or love me like that. You just see random people taking your "baby" away.

Baby, wow that is RICH. I had to grow up and figure life out so early , I didn't have the luxery of you reading books to me or you chasing me around the yard laughing and tacklign me to the ground like in the movies... instead you needed a friend an a confidant. I was so sure once I gave you THAT it would be enough, you could tell me your secrets, you could talk to me like you talked to other adults, you didn't need to worry abuot  looking at my homework or dealing with my moods because I would just go off alone to have them instead of upsetting you. I learned how to handle mom when she was drunk, I learned for dad to be in a good mood he needed his own little buzz. I accepted these things in hopes that It would have been enough...

You despise this whole spanko thing so much not because of the spanking, or sexual nature...but because it makes me different than what you had planned. When I found Yoni and T...it's true I didn't see this coming and it came fast but everything was soo natural. And just so you both know I will ALWAYS be your baby, ALWAYS but now I will ALWAYS be their baby too. I will always be their little girl.

I know that hurts and as usual it makes me sick thinking about it but really I am not sorry for loving them or seeing them like that. I can't HELP that. It's real and its me. It's not just some spanko thing , they might share that with me but if it wasn't there I would still call them mom and dad tomarrow and they would still love me the same way.
 They were parental. So when you make these comments like "you need to grow up I guess" I feel a tinge of guilt because I know what you are picturing and part of me feels like I am lying to you. I am not going there to instantly be a "grown up" I am going there to be myself. I am a little girl who needs to be little. I tell myself over and over that it's not either of you, YOU were the parents and I just wasn't the right kid. I was a little misfit. Well with them I fit. I cry realyl hard when I type that because I can't count the days where I hid myself and cried alone wishing that I could have been different. I was a little girl who didn't understand who she was. And you were the parents that wanted to "fix" their oddball so that I could fit your little house with the picket fence fantasy....
You don't think i wanted to be that? I wanted to be just like you so that you would be happy and proud of me. So you might notice me and adore ALL of me instead only part of me.
 The last few weeks since you found out I was moving you are in this rollercoaster mode....thats ok, your nervous and your scared and your hurting because I let you down by living my life. As usual my shoulder is yours to cry on. I will be strong and cry on my own. I don't want blame coming into this because it's not a matter of waht if, its a matter of what is.

 I want you both to be happy. Even when I am not there I still want you to smile, if you need to picture your little girl just down the hall waiting for a kiss goodnight do it. I know I will be closing my eyes and picturing dads mornign cup of coffee and at around 5:30 be watching the door for mom to come in from work to tell me about her day. This is NOT easy for me, even if you think it is. Dreams come with sacrifices, and I guess its fitting that this being the biggest dream come true comes with the biggest sacrifice. PLease forgive me and never forget how much I love you and care.
Angellia
-My biological parents will not ever read this because I know it would cause them more pain than good but I needed to vent it anyways

Little Time

I have been finding it challenging to find the words to type for this long post I have been holding in about my little part of me. i figured if I took a few pictures it would solve all issues because it would give me inspiration. I was wrong however. Sadly ALL of me is having a headache and it just has not been moving even slightly.

I will give you a little bit and more tomorrow. Today was a long day at work for me, I had a fun time throwing a party at work for the clients but between my favorite client having an ongoing seizure and me getting so dizzy that I began blacking out through the day I got done with work feeling extremely small. Called dad and that helped a bit , hearing his voice always makes me feel stronger. Not like I have to but the thought of being brave for my dad makes me feel better internally.

I bought myself some duckies and small odds and ends to cheer myself up. I found myself slipping into full little mode. I was talking to myself through the stores I walked in (got a couple of really weird looks). Honestly though, looks included I had a wonderful afternoon shopping I could really check out and let myself go, I didn't need to be in charge anymore I could just relax and let go. 

It's weird around two months ago I spoke about my different personalitys that my littles took on in character form. Usually I don't tap into ducky or copper very much. But the last few days they are both where I keep ending up. Copper when I am more all over the place distracted and in my own little zone and ducky when I couldn't care less about the rest of the world, I get a little sassier and just overall happy in ducky mode. 

I found out that when I am little(specifically more ducky-esk) I tend to get more whiny needy and tend to want things and want to be entertained unless I am completely spaced that part of me doesn't usually present itself in front of anyone I know. I am more in "copper" mode around people, quiet, introverted, reserved and a little space case distracted by everything. I let myself be more duckiesk today , must say it was funny because ducky tends to play the "mine mine mine" game she doesn't like being told no, so topping myself in the store made me look like someone off the short bus...."I want it..." "NO save the money" "But I NEED it" "For what? " "My collecttin duhhh" 

I swear people thought I was a cross between sybill and smegall from the two towers at one point i caught myself glarring at this lady in the isle because she was using the price checker and I wanted to use it! I then got this look like...."are you ok?" and I quickly came back to reality and realized I was soo pulling a "MY PRECIOUSSSSS" moment...score!! 

Here are some pics I took of today, enjoy....btw I am debating going back to my 365 project and starting over again...let me know what you think!

Anyways more laters but at least I attempted to update!

So aparently food that is healthy and full of protein and vitamins makes me sick. I have been attempting to eat protein bars to boost my metabolism and try to eat more unfortunatly when I eat them or something else healthy the past few days I get that gurgly feeling in my tummy and throat like I need to vomit.(sorry for my graphic honesty) . Being at work where I am I have been feeling sad and lonely...only 1.5 hours to go ....

I have been making lists all morning and really trying to provide myself with entertainment up untill getting sick I was fine. One of my clients decided to shove me and punch and kick me but what else is new? I am currently residing in the bathroom where I am hiding away from my grumpy bitchy coworker who can't stand me and would love it if I dissapeared. Well lucky for you Shar...I am going to dissapear and you won't ever need to see me again and trust me as happy as that makes you I am just as extastic and thrilled. Thank you and go fuck yourself.

Counting down the days untill I move to VA. I miss my parents.  Especially when I feel as sick as I do I really want to purge....and my face is draining of color... I wanna drive home and curl up in a ball.

RANT ALERT

Last night I discovered something about myself. I am scared of confidant and powerful women. I think that they are going to hurt me or stab me in the back. Let's face it untill now I haven't had many good and positive women in my life. My biological mother while having a loving heart had a temper and a way of making the world revolve around her needs. She would get doses of spite and get my dad to turn on me. She would go from happy to angry in mere moments. Then I had a roomate that could turn just about anyone on me and while smiling at me would be metaphorically be coming up with ways to destroy anything that was making me happy. Confidant girls at school liked to push me around. Powerful coworkers ignore or treat me like I am small.

Now don't get me wrong after a while I had put myself in a catagory where I felt smaller and less than so some of the mistreatment I had was because I let myself fall into victim positions. But at the same time no one told me to do differently no one told me to lift up my chin and there was nothing to be scared of.

I found a woman I look at in so many ways as a role model for me she is kind, loving, positive, understanding, calm, and powerful and confidant...I read this about her long before actually getting to know her. I didn't know then that the reason I feared meeting her was because of my past with other powerful Women. I was scared that i was nervous looking at her because I put her on a pedestal . I didn't know then that the reason I feared her most was I was scared at being the dust beneath her feet. I didn't want her to want me to dissapear like so many others did. I had never stopped anyone why would I stop her from getting rid of me.

....but she didn't. Meeting her and getting to know her was such a gift she didn't treat me like something she wanted to get rid of she treated me like a beautiful little addition to her outstanding life. And now I am moving in with her and I am not scared of her anymore. I am scared of letting her down just like I am with my other family members but I am not scared that she has a underlying disdain for me and wants me to dissapear. And that feels amazing

I love you Tanya... Thank you for the love I never thought I deserved.

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dreaming in color

I am having one of those endless days. I just feels like no matter what happens the day doesn't seem to end . I woke this morning after dreaming that my dad told me he was tired of me and didn't want me anymore...he had given up on trying to help me. I had become a burden. I wish that those type of dreams wouldn't happen they really shake me up and put me in a funk. Lunch is not sitting well not to mention I am having personal physical pain in another place.

I guess my self essteem is down . I feel gross and contagous. I feel like my nerves are pretty much peaked. My parents here in wisconsin are finally being supportive but now they are being nice and my mom has been crying a lot. I hate to admit it but I think it was easier for me when they were angry. I felt like it was easy at that point right now they are showing me love and understanding ..something I constantly am craving in my corner. With my family in va that is a constant. there is never a day without that reminder and words of love even if only in passing. It might take me a while to adjust to receiving that kind of love but I can't think of a better thing to get better about.

At work today I have been awesome about being productive. I have been making project after project with the clients. Today D is sick so I really took charge and led a bunch of stuff earlier. My boss J smiled and is like you sure gotta leave in april you are one of the best staff we have ever had.

Can't lie that brought my mood up a crap ton. I feel like I did something right. I love working with people I hope wherever I go in va I can do something silmilar.

Happy thoughts going out to my sick dad. I hope he feels better! Gahhh I just am missing my family sooo terribly!

Ohhyeah for those keeping up I forgot to mention I am moving to VA....so nervous. Excited...and overall happy

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Tears Commence

I am in the clouds right now. Typing this on word pad to later put it on the blog. Emotionally I am showing no sighs externally that I am phased. Inside though I feel like my heart is thrashing about my insides and banging against my ribcage. I don't like goodbyes, see ya laters, or departures in general. Not my thing, not usually anyones thing. But being me I tend to have this internal desire to get up and make a scene about how my life is being destroyed by flight 4941, taking me away from my adoptive parents, being delayed 30+ minutes, and the fact that the coke they gave me tastes like it was left open for a month and drained of flavor.

*bites down on my mellow drama in hopes to keep readers less annoyed and more so entertained*

You know those parts in movies where someone is suppose to get on a plane but because of the people he or she would have to leave behind the end of the movie is that moment when everyone finds out that she or he did not in fact get on a flight. They then follow up with a slow motion running scene and happy tears of releaf,  love, and euphoric happiness Well , I wish I was in THAT movie. I can't say that I am not greatful for the extra day I had with my family in Virginia, I am beyond words of gratitude for whatever god or force that is in control of my fate. They have been listening to my wishes and holding true to my hopes. I had so much peace knowing that I wasn't leaving yesterday. It was hard to cry again today but not nearly as bad as the first time. I got a lot out of those few extra hours....a incredible massage, time watching TV holding hands with the people I cherish most, some back and firth bratting with my dad, dancing to Easy street with my second mom, T, having brunch with the family and laughing the entire time. Not a moment that I wasn't greatful to have. So I guess I should just make peace with the fact that even though it hurts it's not the "end of the world" ....

Minus the fact that the coke still tastes like shit, sorry Delta but your beverage cart is not up to snuff!

Sitting in the airport was a total drag too. Not saying that I was expecting a hot tub and frozen margaritas(extra salt on the rim) but the only thing that made me smile was two gay men Dressed to impress and smelling fantastic from a distance. Besides that all that surrounded me in the airport was a crying kid(throwing a tantrum that I would have gotten killed for), rude airline people, and the stupid starbucks which tempted me past my strength. They made me sell my soul for a coffee fix.  Totally not cool! 

 I called my parents to tell them about flying in tonight and usually hearing their voices makes me happy but today It made me cry harder in the airport. Especially when I was asked if I was "ready to come home" ...I wanted to say , I am home, this is home to me. But i was scared. Too Soon? Possibly , I think seeing them in person will make me more brave. I tend to be more opinionated and strong willed face to face. I know thats different than most others but I think its because I can help control and fight sad or angry reactions over the phone I cant hug or explain myself as well. 

Mom, Dad...I want to move to virginia, my LIFE is there. My heart is there. My family is there. 

yep that will go over well(I might need to be more careful about my wording , don't you agree?)

*INTERUPTION OF A CUTE AND CUDDLY NATURE*

Still flying, thank god I am in the warm company of my snuggle companion Fredrick Dywaine the second. On my second flight we only had 11 passengers. Meaning more snacks, Beverages, and a quieter feeling. Well i got to sit across the isle from a gentlman and an elderly couple behind him(no one sitting next to me) . And during the flight they asked me about my travels, I talked about my two sets of parents, how leaving one for the other was a total drag. They then asked about my devil bear. I explained it was from my mom for hugging on my trip back to appleton. I also added that it was fitting with my name being Angel that i had a devil bear to hug all the way home. They insisted that I treat him as a passenger, as did my flight attendant, he got buckled up, he was offered peanuts (he refused, with watching his fluffy figure and all) and then they asked his name. I told them I hadn't thought of anything quite yet. Then the gentlman across from me insisted that I had to think quick and give him a name. Due to my lack of quick names I threw out a name i had given a wonderful dvd player earlier "Fredrick" , then the gentleman added he seemed like a Duwayne so his name became Fredrick Dwyane . 

*NOW BACK TO THE NORMAL REQUESTED POST*

I don't know what to say about the past two weeks, it must be aparent that my life has drastically changed for the better. I want more from myself and I want more out of life itself. I feel like that need to "settle" that i am so surrounded by is going to pass over me. I can't wait to move to Virginia  I can't lie, it's not the easiest thing I have ever done but damn it, It is not impossible! (I think I can I think i can). I just need to pack, save some money and GO. I can't wait for everything to "fall into place" because as far as I am concerned everything that can HAS , now I just have to get my parts taken care of. I need to be more careful with money, tell my parents the plan, be strong, and educate and entertain myself untill it's time to go! I need to stay positive....well after today is over, errr this weekend is over. THEN I must be strong and positive! Good, GOOD!

Hey one positive that I must bear in mind. Tonight I see my sim sim, and he gets to snuggle with me in bed :) 

*sniffle* Peace *Sniffle* Love *Sniffle* Serenity

Angel