Saturday, February 25, 2012

Tears Commence

I am in the clouds right now. Typing this on word pad to later put it on the blog. Emotionally I am showing no sighs externally that I am phased. Inside though I feel like my heart is thrashing about my insides and banging against my ribcage. I don't like goodbyes, see ya laters, or departures in general. Not my thing, not usually anyones thing. But being me I tend to have this internal desire to get up and make a scene about how my life is being destroyed by flight 4941, taking me away from my adoptive parents, being delayed 30+ minutes, and the fact that the coke they gave me tastes like it was left open for a month and drained of flavor.
*bites down on my mellow drama in hopes to keep readers less annoyed and more so entertained*

You know those parts in movies where someone is suppose to get on a plane but because of the people he or she would have to leave behind the end of the movie is that moment when everyone finds out that she or he did not in fact get on a flight. They then follow up with a slow motion running scene and happy tears of releaf,  love, and euphoric happiness Well , I wish I was in THAT movie. I can't say that I am not greatful for the extra day I had with my family in Virginia, I am beyond words of gratitude for whatever god or force that is in control of my fate. They have been listening to my wishes and holding true to my hopes. I had so much peace knowing that I wasn't leaving yesterday. It was hard to cry again today but not nearly as bad as the first time. I got a lot out of those few extra hours....a incredible massage, time watching TV holding hands with the people I cherish most, some back and firth bratting with my dad, dancing to Easy street with my second mom, T, having brunch with the family and laughing the entire time. Not a moment that I wasn't greatful to have. So I guess I should just make peace with the fact that even though it hurts it's not the "end of the world" ....
Minus the fact that the coke still tastes like shit, sorry Delta but your beverage cart is not up to snuff!
Sitting in the airport was a total drag too. Not saying that I was expecting a hot tub and frozen margaritas(extra salt on the rim) but the only thing that made me smile was two gay men Dressed to impress and smelling fantastic from a distance. Besides that all that surrounded me in the airport was a crying kid(throwing a tantrum that I would have gotten killed for), rude airline people, and the stupid starbucks which tempted me past my strength. They made me sell my soul for a coffee fix.  Totally not cool! 

 I called my parents to tell them about flying in tonight and usually hearing their voices makes me happy but today It made me cry harder in the airport. Especially when I was asked if I was "ready to come home" ...I wanted to say , I am home, this is home to me. But i was scared. Too Soon? Possibly , I think seeing them in person will make me more brave. I tend to be more opinionated and strong willed face to face. I know thats different than most others but I think its because I can help control and fight sad or angry reactions over the phone I cant hug or explain myself as well. 
Mom, Dad...I want to move to virginia, my LIFE is there. My heart is there. My family is there. 
yep that will go over well(I might need to be more careful about my wording , don't you agree?)
*INTERUPTION OF A CUTE AND CUDDLY NATURE*

Still flying, thank god I am in the warm company of my snuggle companion Fredrick Dywaine the second. On my second flight we only had 11 passengers. Meaning more snacks, Beverages, and a quieter feeling. Well i got to sit across the isle from a gentlman and an elderly couple behind him(no one sitting next to me) . And during the flight they asked me about my travels, I talked about my two sets of parents, how leaving one for the other was a total drag. They then asked about my devil bear. I explained it was from my mom for hugging on my trip back to appleton. I also added that it was fitting with my name being Angel that i had a devil bear to hug all the way home. They insisted that I treat him as a passenger, as did my flight attendant, he got buckled up, he was offered peanuts (he refused, with watching his fluffy figure and all) and then they asked his name. I told them I hadn't thought of anything quite yet. Then the gentlman across from me insisted that I had to think quick and give him a name. Due to my lack of quick names I threw out a name i had given a wonderful dvd player earlier "Fredrick" , then the gentleman added he seemed like a Duwayne so his name became Fredrick Dwyane . 
*NOW BACK TO THE NORMAL REQUESTED POST*
I don't know what to say about the past two weeks, it must be aparent that my life has drastically changed for the better. I want more from myself and I want more out of life itself. I feel like that need to "settle" that i am so surrounded by is going to pass over me. I can't wait to move to Virginia  I can't lie, it's not the easiest thing I have ever done but damn it, It is not impossible! (I think I can I think i can). I just need to pack, save some money and GO. I can't wait for everything to "fall into place" because as far as I am concerned everything that can HAS , now I just have to get my parts taken care of. I need to be more careful with money, tell my parents the plan, be strong, and educate and entertain myself untill it's time to go! I need to stay positive....well after today is over, errr this weekend is over. THEN I must be strong and positive! Good, GOOD!
Hey one positive that I must bear in mind. Tonight I see my sim sim, and he gets to snuggle with me in bed :) 


*sniffle* Peace *Sniffle* Love *Sniffle* Serenity
Angel

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Cold Play


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you



I was telling Yoni tonight that I have never been in a house where I didn't feel scared to touch things or sit somewhere, move things around , be myself. I have realized that being here I haven't had that fear. Never once did I feel "misplaced" or like I didn't belong. I felt confused and scared to let go of my mental blockades, but overall i felt like it was where i wanted and needed to be. I kept telling myself I wasn't good enough for what I had in front of me.

Like so many of the "walking wounded" I felt lost , broken and totally confused about where I was supposed to end up. Being me I wanted to all but solve world hunger before I took care of myself in the slightest bit. Being here at Yoni and T's i noticed that even though I didn't care about what happened to me. They did. They noticed the small winces (stomach aches) , the distant eyes, me biting my lip feeling like I was smaller. These people i trusted and followed in my heart they saw what was going on without me saying a word to assist. And THEY wanted better for me.

I had stopped putting them on a royal pedestal early on knowing that Yoni, T, and Melody were just other people in the lifestyle. More well known and incredibly liked but just people none the less. I was never realizing i was still below them in my own head because I thought so little of myself internally. No one would want me or love me like i loved them. Dreams were made for sleeping, not for reality. 

It was weird even on morning when I had migraines, little sleep, or my morning stomach aches from hell I still woke up happy to be alive and in my own personal piece of heaven. I thought back across my memory's and couldn't come up with a time where I felt this safe, secure, and free. I could be me and no one wanted me to change that. 

I can't explain the feeling of waking up in a place where it feels good to be running errands or cleaning, living a normal day to day life but feeling like you are so at peace and loved that it doesn't matter. Even now I have tears on my cheeks writing this I feel so relieved, I mean I am nervous, scared, and biting to the ends of my fingernails I am terrified to wake up and for everything to disappear. But more and more everyday I feel like this is my real thing, this is here and not going anywhere. 

Yesterday i found myself being a snot, ...and i don't mean my normal brat. I just was frustrated about not getting my way and reacted like a five year old or younger. I was pissy and testy. My best friend Melody said something (sorry it's late I can't remember exact wording) and It stopped me and made me just get mad and scared at the same time. I was mad at myself and scared that I wouldn't be forgiven. So when we got back to the house I bottled up and shut down my vocals. I didn't want to say anything. I basically went all Thumper for an hour "If you don't have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" I figured if I kept myself quiet everything I did would disappear . 

Well it didn't, and no one forgot. But I was however forgiven. Being only a day later I am still trying to wrap my head around all these thoughts running around in it and collect them into something solid and easy for others and myself to understand. For now I guess i will end with, If I know nothing else. I DO know this is family surrounding me here. This is the happiest I have ever felt and I never want to lose this. Never .

Peace . Love . Serenity 
Angel